By Pippa Raga – Distractify
If you’re old enough to be reading the internet, you’ve definitely told a regrettable lie before. Maybe it was back in high school when you said you were going to some movie to get your parents off your back, but were actually hanging out with friends. Or maybe you just casually mentioned something in passing to impress a significant other, but now it’s five years later and they’re still bugging you to serenade them with your concert-level clarinet skills.
Whatever your white lie is or was, it’s probably hilarious if you’ve managed to keep it going for this long. At least it is to me and to the internet. To prove it to you, we’ve collected some hilarious stories of people who went to great lengths to keep up their inconsequential lies.
1. At least this shows how much he cares.
Not mine, but: my grandparents both have birthdays only a few days apart, June 3 and June 6, with my grandma’s birthday coming first.
When they were in their first few months of dating, my grandpa told her they were going to celebrate on June 3 for “the both of us.” This being their first time really discussing birthdays, my grandma took this to mean that they were both born on the same day.
She played it up, oh, we’re soulmates, look at us, born on the same day of the same year. That kind of thing. My grandpa didn’t realize his mistake until she told him happy birthday on June 3, but she was so happy about it he couldn’t bring himself to correct her and was just like, yeah, cool, we’re born on the same day.
This went on for years, with him actively hiding his birthday mail from her and pretending that his folks were calling him on June 3 rather than June 6. She didn’t find out until over a decade later, when they were married, and she was mortified that for the last ~12 years she’d been celebrating his birthday on the wrong day.
Not really a lie, per se, but I can’t believe he let it run for that long.
2. Brandon sounds like an amazing person.
There is a guy who I used to work with at a corporate chain steakhouse while I was going to college that had bit of a whopper. We stayed up all night partying and he didn’t wake up in time for his opening shift the following day.
When he finally got up, he was two hours late and had a grip of missed calls. He was about a month away from graduating and had worked this same job all through college, so he was worried that he was going to get fired and wouldn’t be able to use the job reference. So his solution was to call in and tell the boss he had been in a car accident on his way to work.
Now this temporarily solved the problem, but to really sell the story he ended up hiding his truck in a friend’s garage and working his next four weeks of serving shifts with a fake full arm cast.
Brandon, you’re a legend.
3. He probably played “Chopsticks” on repeat.
That I could play the piano, I never thought it would come up and that I was safe with my lie. It did come up, more often than I thought it would. I had to make up an excuse to not play, and people started to think I was lying about knowing how to play. Eventually I took some lessons so that way if it came up again I could actually play something and not look like I’m completely full of [crap]. It paid off, and after I moved from that area I never told anyone I could play piano again.
4. Why deal with Sally May when you can just not and say you did?
My boyfriend (now husband) told me he went to grad school but never graduated.
I found out around 10 years into us dating that it was a giant lie he had said to impress me. The only reason he came clean was his mother found out and told me.
5. Of course, they could have practiced the weather — but what would be the fun in that?
Used to get my nails done when I lived in China with a friend. We told elaborate lies about her “rich husband” and my “useless boyfriend” to the ladies who did our nails as a way to practice vocabulary in Mandarin…
I was leaving in like a few months so it was easy but she had to find pictures of babies and weddings and dresses to use. I just had to remember that my bf was a doctor and probably cheating on me and she had to choose baby names.
6. You can get away with a lot if you act like you’re entitled to it.
I once got sort of unapproved access to a VIP area at a venue, and the person who got me in probably would have gotten in trouble if it was found out that they did (a fairly major musician was playing, this was the lounge area where their family and friends were watching the show, only about 20 people).
When people asked why I was there, I said I was related to the owner of the venue (figured this was boring enough but would stop the questions). Instead, this really nice group of people all started complimenting me on the venue and talking to me more about it and my family.
They were really awesome people and we chatted the rest of the evening. They invited me to spend the upcoming holiday weekend at their beach house with the band. I did. No one ever found out I have no connection to the venue and don’t even know who actually owns it.
7. In my school, you’d have been better off saying you didn’t.
When I was 10, another kid on my school bus asked me if I played World of Warcraft. I lied and said yes.
I spent the entire rest of the year, before and after school on the bus, talking about a game I never played in my life.
One day, I was invited over when he made me login. I entered some account and claimed I forgot my password, spending the next 30 minutes trying to debug by resetting a password to an account that doesn’t exist HAHA… What was I doing…
8. Nearly 40 and the parents still don’t know.
As a kid, my mom would ask my to bike to the store and bring back ice cream (a literal bucket of it with a wire handle). Well I dropped it and the lid popped off and it was ruined.
I made up a story how it somehow flew off my handle bar and hit the front of a corvette’s windshield and the guy was super mad so I was lucky to get out of there.
To this day my parents still tell this story to anyone new they meet or I introduced them to. I was in grade 4-5 at the time. I’m nearly 40 now. I just sort of die a little inside and go along with it. Probably heard it 20+ times.
My mom made me go back and buy more ice cream at the time.
9. I’d love to follow this guy around for a few days.
I told my friends I was colorblind to only the color orange. For some reason they all believed me and would point out orange things to me and laugh at me while my girlfriend and I would be laughing on the inside.
10. Oh, she’s 21 in do— I mean, daughter… years…?
Last year on the first day of a month-long rotation in medical school, I was telling a story and accidentally referred to my dog as my daughter.
Quickly did the mental evaluation of how embarrassing it would be to correct myself vs rolling with it and just decided to go with it and pretended I had a kid for the rest of the month. I didn’t like purposely bring it up or anything, but if someone mentioned it (it was October, was asked about taking my kid trick or treating etc) I would just vaguely agree and not elaborate on anything.
11. I can personally never remember whether people do or don’t wear glasses.
I can’t think of any really big ones, but there’s one weird one.
In college, a group of people I didn’t know well were talking about this guy they’d gone to high school with who looked exactly like me, to the point that they were convinced I was him [messing] with them by pretending to be someone else. The only difference was that my doppelganger wore glasses, and I didn’t. So in order to [mess] with them a little bit, I said that I’d worn glasses in high school, but didn’t anymore. I’d never worn glasses.
One of the people there that I did know well remembered what I’d said, and didn’t believe me so the next time she bumped into my best friend from high school, she asked whether I’d worn glasses. He backed me up, instantly. I figured he’d just figured something was up and decided to back me up.
A decade later, with the acquisition of good vision insurance, I had my eyes checked and actually did wind up getting glasses, with a very mild prescription. Upon seeing me with them for the first time, my best friend said, “Oh wow, I haven’t seen you with glasses on since high school.”
I’ve never been sure whether he backed me up and then somehow internalized that backup and then really believed that I wore glasses in high school, or whether he just always somehow believed that I’d worn glasses. I’ve chosen to use it to very subtly [mess] with him by photoshopping glasses onto my face in old pictures that he’s going to see.
I did it recently when his sister asked me for some photos to use for his upcoming wedding. It’ll probably never actually pay off, but I privately think it’s hilarious.
12. Parental statutes of limitations are a real thing!
When I was in 6th grade, my buddy and I attempted to skip school. We planned that the next day he would stay home “sick.” I would use this landline phone I had in my room which had a “hold” feature to (what I thought would) tie up the line all day so that the school couldn’t get ahold of my mom (who worked from home). This is obviously long before cell phones were a thing. I would go to buddy’s house and we would play Genesis all day.
So, turns out that phones don’t work like that. We’re hanging out and suddenly I hear a car outside. I run downstairs and hide while buddy answers the door to my crying mother who asks if he’s seen me. He lies and says no. When she goes I come up and decide that I’m in big trouble and need to cover it.
I plan to say some “teenagers” from the nearby high school were picking on me and chased me around a neighborhood I didn’t know well. I head home and run into my dad who was looking for me. I give him the story and he seem to buy it. He takes me home where my mom is on the phone to the police. She had my school picture out and is crying.
She puts me on the phone and makes me tell my story to the cop. He sounds skeptical but he accepts the story. My mom is happy I wasn’t abducted. She then asks if I want to go back to school in the afternoon. I say I do (because it’ll get me away from being grilled about it anymore at home).
But at school I get grilled by my teacher and the principal. My friend informs me the entire school went on lockdown when I was “missing” because of potential abduction. I had to keep going with the “teenagers” story for years. I finally told my mom years later when I was an adult and she was pretty mad, but I was past getting in trouble for it.
13. Honestly, who even *is* the bassist for the Goo Goo Dolls?
Told this girl I work with that I was the bassist for the Goo Goo Dolls.
We were talking about this and that and she ended saying something about how she was “runway material” and I told her that she could be a part time model, maybe.
I forgot what she said next, but I replied with, “My rock and roll days may be over, but I’m still way out of your league.”
She said, “What, were you in some crappy garage band?” And I told her that back then we all were crappy garage bands. Then I start to tell her that we were kind of big, went on Letterman a few times, played a show in Toronto.
She keeps asking questions, and I keep making stuff up, she has me hum a few songs, and a week later she asked me if I was in the Goo Goo Dolls because a song I hummed kind of sounded like “Name” and I mentioned that Twister movie that had “Long Way Down” in it.
I never told her the truth, but she doesn’t ask about it much any more.
14. He should say it was a phase.
Started my job about a year ago and we get a 30-minute break, which I wanted to split into two breaks of 15 minutes or three breaks of 10 minutes, so I can smoke.
My manager said this was fine, later on a co-worker asks me why I split my breaks as it’s not long enough to eat properly..
Me: OH I DON’T EAT DURING THE DAY.
Co-worker thought this was an interesting fact so told everyone..
Same coworker asked me if I wanted a cup of tea and I said yes but asked for honey in it instead of sugar as it’s healthier for you and I was on a diet at the time. He asks if I’m some kind of health freak and if I drink herbal teas etc.
Me: didn’t hear him right YES.
Later that week, my manager orders pizza as a treat — I ask for cheese and tomato as I don’t like meaty pizza. My coworker asks me if I’m vegetarian…
Me: I just really don’t like meat (I meant on pizza but he didn’t take it that way and thought I didn’t eat any meat)
So I am a super awkward person and didn’t want to correct this same co-worker. ONE YEAR DOWN THE LINE… I am sneaking out eating my ham-sandwiches on my 15 minute lunch break and my co-workers only ever make me tea with honey ~ HOW DO I END THIS LIE OR HAS IT GONE TOO FAR???
15. Oof, no one could have predicted how this would go down.
I worked as a life guard at a local beach the summer between junior and senior year. My family went away for the week and I stayed home because I had work.
One day I was coming in from work where I was going to shower real quick then meet my friends for a bite to eat. As I’m running out the door the phone rang and it was kind of an obscure relative on my dad’s side. I was told my dad’s brother-in-law’s father had passed away. This is before people had cell phones so I figured I would rely the message to my dad when they called later on that night to check in with me.
I never did.
My parents came home, I believe, the next day. They would have been able to make the wake and funeral except I never gave them the message.
A couple of days later my parents called me downstairs. I came down and they were at the table very serious looking. They wanted to know if anyone called about Uncle Bill’s dad. I said no then asked them why. They explained he passed away and Uncle Bill’s aunt reached out to everyone about funeral arrangements. My Uncle Bill was pissed that we didn’t so much as send flowers. I pretended to be shocked and again said no one said anything about Uncle Bill’s dad. Had I known of course I would have told them immediately.
My dad and Uncle Bill/Aunt Karen had a pretty rocky relationship. When my grandmother passed away my Uncle Ken still lived in the home and she willed the house to him. My Uncle Bill/Aunt Karen wanted my dad to contest the will with them so the house would be sold and the money split between the three of them. My dad felt that my Uncle Ken lived there, paid all the bills, and took care of my grandmother while she was sick. She wanted him to have the home and my dad saw no reason for him not to get it.
My Uncle Bill and Aunt Karen felt my parents didn’t show up to Uncle Bill’s dad’s funeral in retaliation for everything that happened with the house and it started an even bigger fight that would eventually come to literal, physical blows on my parents’ front lawn.
That was back in 2000 and, as far as I’m aware, my aunt and uncle have not spoken to my mother and father since.
I most certainly got that message but I will never, ever admit it to anyone.
16. I mean, just LOOK AT THEM.
I had to use my mom’s van for a semester in my second year of university. One of my classmates saw this and started poking fun at me. He asked,“What, are you a single mother now?” So I decided to go with it and said, “Nah, my wife passed away and I’m a single father with twin daughters.”
He got pretty apologetic and I thought that was that. That is until he started asking me about them every class period. I panicked and kept the lie going, even printing out a stock photo of twin girls to put in my wallet. To this day I still get messages from him asking how the twins are doing. They just celebrated their seventh birthday and love soccer and school.
17. I don’t know, every German person I know speaks better English than me.
Told my husband when we first met that he couldn’t talk to my grandparents because they only spoke German.
They did speak a lot of German, but their English was fine, I just didn’t want them to know I was seeing an Irish-Catholic guy (they were very strict Lutherans). Now I’m 20 years into the marriage and so screwed.