Extra Dumbasses!

If you lose your keys in a trash compactor, it’s best to call a locksmith. This was a lesson learned the hard way by one unnamed 71-year-old Henrico, Virginia woman on Tuesday night. Instead of calling a locksmith, the woman stepped inside the compactor to get her lost keys. Luckily, a friend was there to press the emergency stop button and after a couple of hours rescue workers were able to free the woman’s legs, and presumably the rest of her. At last report, the woman was listed in stable condition at a nearby hospital.

 

Let’s place budget shoes in a high end luxury store and see if any fashionistas notice. Payless shoes did just that by setting up a fake luxury store in Los Angeles called “Palessi,” and stocked it with their budget-priced shoes. They then invited fashion influencers to the grand opening party in which guests gladly paid hundreds of dollars for the shoes that retail from $19.99 to $39.99 at Payless. One person even paid $640 for a pair, but Payless gave everyone their money back after letting them in on the prank.

 

A married Singapore businessman, identified only as Mr. Chen, didn’t have a happy ending after he had a happy ending at a local massage parlor. After getting rubbed the right way, Mr. Chen became a regular customer and eventually began a relationship with the masseuse. However, after helping to pay for her studies and dropping almost $30,000 on his mistress, she dumped him. Mr. Chen says he asked the woman for his money back, but she told him “It’s $300 for every time I slept with you” and refused. For some reason, Mr. Chen voluntarily told his story to the media and says he and his wife remain married, despite their strained relationship.

 

The Minnesota State Patrol received a number of calls about an erratic driver on Interstate 94 in northwestern Minnesota. Unfortunately, troopers couldn’t catch up with Taylor Thiets before she crashed into a median cable barrier at about 70 mph. To make matters worse, Taylor has also been charged with distracted driving. Neither likely would’ve happened had Taylor not been watching Netflix behind the wheel.

 

Saltlick Township, Pennsylvania’s John Maki and baby mama Rachel Eutsey got into an argument earlier this year. The argument ended when Rachel allegedly pulled a gun and shot Maki to death. If you’re wondering, the argument started when Maki expressed his dissatisfaction with the type of oatmeal Rachel bought and served him for breakfast. In what goes a long way in explaining it all, the dispute occurred the morning after they took their 8-month old child with them to buy crack and then smoked it in the parking lot of a bar.

 

Brobible claims a smartphone company from China is on the verge of bankruptcy because their chairman spent $144 million at a casino in Saipan. Liu Lirong says he did not misappropriate any of the company’s assets or funds because he was just borrowing the money.

 

The Chattanoogan claims a Chattanooga, Tennessee woman recently lost the key fob to her car. She believes a neighbor has the fob and is pranking her by unlocking her doors and trunk and continually making her horn toot. The woman filed a police report in case anything gets stolen from her vehicle.

 

Honey Mums claims an American comedian, named Dena Blizzard, has started a new holiday trend for parents called Shiraz on the Shelf. The new tradition parodies the Elf on the Shelf and involves leaving bottles of wine around the house. Dena is selling Shiraz on the Shelf kits for $30. She says; “It doesn’t matter if muos are good or bad, Shiraz on the shelf is always there in the morning… never really hidden, it’s left out in the open for a drunk lady to find.”