Extra Dumbasses!

Black Friday shopping was even more chaotic at a Walmart in Vancouver, Washington. The store was briefly placed on lockdown due to a hostage situation, which started when Justin Eugene Godsy and two friends decided that a stolen car in the parking lot would be the ideal place to get high on meth. At some point Godsy got paranoid and claimed his drugs and money were stolen and took his two passengers hostage. However, when it was time to flee, they found their car’s battery was dead. Godsy’s kidnapping plot unraveled when he sent one of his hostages into the store to shoplift a pair of jumper cables and his friend-turned-hostage told employees to call police. When cops arrived, Godsy ran into the Walmart, prompting the lockdown. Godsy soon fled the store and after a brief foot chase he was apprehended. Deputies also detained a female hostage, who claimed not to know her name at the time of her arrest.


Phoenix’s Johnny Moto went hiking with his wife and family on Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, that hike came to an abrupt end when Moto became wedged between two boulders. After his family tried unsuccessfully to free him for a half hour, they called for help. Eventually, a group of firefighters was able to rescue Moto and, perhaps appropriately, it’s reported that the incident took place at Fat Man’s Pass.


Early on the morning of November 15th, Connecticut’s Donovan Green flagged down a police officer to ask for directions to the highway. Instead, Green was given directions to jail after the officer detected the scent of marijuana coming from his vehicle. Green surrendered a small bag of a green, leafy substance, but his problems didn’t end there as a search of his vehicle turned up $1,280 worth of Rogaine, Prilosec, Ducolax and Aleve that had been stolen from a CVS Pharmacy. Green and his three passengers were charged with larceny and marijuana possession.


An unnamed hunter in Michigan proudly boasted on Facebook about the ‘monster’ 13-point buck he took down. When Jesse Curtis and Todd Szyska expressed an interest in seeing it for themselves, our outdoorsman friend was only too happy to invite them over. Unfortunately for the huntsman, Jesse and Todd are state conservation officers and after seeing our friend’s Facebook post they discovered he only obtained a hunting license after shooting the buck and unspecified enforcement action was taken.


Dylan Martin recently brought new meaning to the term ‘butt dial.’ Dylan is an inmate at Britain’s HMP Bullingdon, Oxfordshire and he was found to have a cellphone in an area of his anatomy not frequented by daylight. Corrections officers picked up a signal from the illegal phone and traced it to the point of origin. Authorities have added an extra six months onto Dylan’s sentence, despite his claims that he didn’t know the phone, and likely his telephone bill, was in arrears.


Ryan Dolan went into an Edinburgh McDonald’s, but there’s no word on whether he was supersized when he whipped off his trousers, exposed his junk and began dancing. Witnesses say Dolan performed the helicopter with his apparatus in front of customers and staff. Dolan pulled his trousers back up, but then jumped across the counter into the staff area and took his clothes off again for an encore performance, grabbing his thing and playing with it as he pretended to serve customers. Dolan’s lawyer described her client’s actions as ‘boisterous acts, heavily fueled by alcohol’. Dolan pleaded guilty to committing acts of public indecency and was fined about $750.


Back in 2013, Britain’s Annalisa Altariva shared a series of raunchy photos and messages on her Facebook profile. One photo showed Annalisa in a dress with a plunging neckline while suggestively holding a cane, while her profile stated that when she meets people chances are she would inappropriately touch them. Annalisa also confessed to thinking about sex “too much” and said her greatest achievement was that people believed she was likely to be a “porn star in the future.” Annalisa may have forgotten about the posts until her math students at Ninestiles School in Birmingham discovered them and began sharing. After the posts came to the attention of school officials, Annalisa was suspended. One parent commented, “Well Ms. Altariva certainly looks like she knows how to have a good time.”


Police in Duquesne, Pennsylvania issued a citation to a woman last Wednesday night for careless driving. The woman’s careless driving involved veering off a road and onto railroad tracks, leaving her car stranded. Police say the woman was sober and had no medical conditions affecting her decision-making, although she did have GPS affecting her decision-making as she told officers the navigation device told her to turn onto the tracks. (See here)


Police in Amsterdam arrested an unnamed 24-year-old man last Monday following a search of a supposedly unoccupied house. During the search, police found about $400,000 hidden inside a washing machine. The man has been charged with…wait for it…money laundering.


Chuck E. Cheese isn’t the only restaurant with a rat! Teddy’s Bigger Burgers in Honolulu has been closed for a deep cleaning after two teenage employees posted a video of a rat being cooked on the grill with a spatula. The employees also included their own faces in the video, which made it easy for management to identify and fire them. (See here)


KHOU claims a porch pirate recently stole a box of worms from Shelly Draves’ Orange County, Florida home. The thief backed her van into Shelly’s driveway before running to her porch and stealing her ‘holiday’ package. Shelly says the box contained 500 superworms for her pet bearded dragon. A neighbor found the box several blocks away and returned it. The police are now looking for the porch pirate.


Inside Edition claims Angela Severance, of Wylie, Texas, recently spent two hours covering her sister’s office in holiday wrapping paper. She sprinkled fake snow on the floor and wrapped her sister’s office chair in tinsel. Singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer dolls greeted Angela’s sister when she returned to work. Angela got permission to prank her sister from her sister’s boss at the Dallas Caramel Company. She says she pranked her sister because she refuses to decorate before Christmas.