Dumbasses Keep Carrying On!

Artist Douglas Evans had a booth at last weekend’s Car Free Day Festival in Vancouver selling $38 bottles of unfiltered hot dog water. The water was billed as keto-compatible, gluten-free, rich in sodium, and shown to increase vitality and brain function. However, a disclaimer at the bottom of the marketing materials read: “Hot Dog Water in its absurdity hopes to encourage critical thinking related to product marketing and the significant role it can play in our purchasing choices.” However, Evans’ joke may have backfired as he actually sold 60 bottles of the water. (See here)


Everyone in Russia is getting into the spirit of the World Cup tournament, even Burger King. The Russian branch of Burger King ran an advertisement offering Russian women the chance to win $47,000 and free Whoppers for life. However, in order to win the prize, they had to get pregnant by a World Cup player. After public outrage, Burger King was forced to apologize and discontinue the sweepstakes.


A Council Bluffs, Iowa, man has pleaded guilty to DUI after police said they found him next to his upside-down car after it had crashed into other vehicles. The man told officers at the scene that he was drunk and that his car was messed up. The man also displayed several signs of intoxication, smelled of alcohol, and failed several sobriety tests. Perhaps he was enjoying some of his namesake as his name is Benjamin Beer.


Over the past eight years, 34-year-old Blaine, Minnesota’s Katharine Marie Luedtke has had three DWI convictions. It looks like DWI conviction number four could be looming as Katharine was arrested on two counts of DWI after crashing her vehicle on Friday evening. Arresting officers noted Katharine was wearing a shirt reading, “Alcohol you later.”


When an unnamed Minneapolis man saw that his friend Panhia Vang was drunk, he gave her a ride home early Sunday morning. It turned out to be some ride, especially after they got to their destination. When the man got out of his Hummer, Vang asked if he’d marry her. When the man declined, Vang slid into the driver’s seat and took off. The man and a friend that was following behind gave chase and Vang eventually pulled over. However, just as the man grabbed the roof rack of his Hummer, Vang “floored it” again. The man hung on for dear life as speeds reached 80 mph. Unfortunately, the man lost his grip and later regained consciousness while lying next to a guard rail on the side of the road. The man’s friend took him to the hospital and Vang was arrested when she came to visit. Vang told police she only had three drinks and didn’t recall being told not to drive the Hummer nor that the man was clinging to it.


For reasons that are unclear, Memphis’ Jerry Modesto commandeered a forklift and rammed it through the metal roll up door and iron security gate at Lit Restaurant Supplies last Sunday. When police arrived, Modesto attempted to escape, but since forklifts rarely outrun police cruisers, he was quickly captured after causing about $3,400 in damage to the business.


Anchorage, Alaska’s 35-year-old Daniel Hughett recently borrowed a company vehicle. Unfortunately, that vehicle was a front-end loader, which he used to swerve in and out of traffic and bounce off curbs. Daniel eventually abandoned the loader in the middle of a busy street after nearly hitting a convenience store, but was soon apprehended on DUI charges.


Japan’s Kobe City Waterworks Bureau has issued an apology to customers after one of their workers was determined to be loafing on the job. Several of the company’s high ranking officials appeared in a televised apology on behalf of a 64-year-old male worker who took 26 three-minute trips to a nearby store over a seven-month period to get lunch. Not only was the worker chastised for taking 78 minutes worth of breaks over the seven-month period, they also docked him a half-day’s pay for wasting the company’s time.


Spider-Man, Spider-Man, can’t do anything a spider can! An inmate at Ireland’s Cloverhill Prison, who earned the nickname Spider-Man, climbed onto the roof of the facility on Monday. However, he proved to have no spidey-sense as, after a 10-hour standoff with guards, he plunged 40-feet to the ground, breaking several bones in the process.