Dumbasses Forever!

The Internet has discovered the identity of the man who was kicked out of a New York restaurant this week after going on a racist rant about two women speaking Spanish. That man is lawyer Aaron Schlossberg. As it usually does, the Internet gave Schlossberg his comeuppance by peppering his law firm with one-star Yelp reviews. In fact, the reviews got so bad that Yelp had to post a notice saying his listing is undergoing an active cleanup alert. Not only that, the building that was renting him office space has evicted him. When reporters caught up to Schlossberg on the street the next day, he was decidedly less eager to express his views and hid behind his umbrella.


When Daytona Beach, Florida, police attempted to pull over a pickup truck driven by 24-year-old Tobias Smith on Tuesday, he was decidedly uncooperative. Instead of pulling over, Tobias hit the gas. Unfortunately, the high speed chase was less than successful for Tobias as he crashed into another vehicle, a power pole, a fence and a barber shop before exiting his truck and fleeing on foot. However, the foot chase proved to be even less successful for Tobias as he was quickly captured when his pants fell down around his ankles.


An unnamed 57-year-old Australian man arrived late to the Melbourne airport for his Jetstar Airways flight. However, after being told that it was too late to board, he became furious and began arguing with workers. The man then rushed past security and onto the tarmac, assaulting several airport workers that tried to stop him. The man then ran up the steps and attempted to pry open the door to the airplane. A group of baggage handlers finally managed to stop him and held him down until police arrived. Not only was the plane he tried to break into not the flight he booked, the man made an unscheduled stop in jail.


Tampa’s 24-year-old Joseph Hudek IV wanted to relax on his flight to Beijing. Luckily, Hudek’s mother worked for Delta Airlines and he scored a seat in first class. Apparently that wasn’t relaxing enough, as Hudek ate some pot edibles, which apparently didn’t relax him. Two hours into the flight, Hudek demanded to get out of the plane and attempted to open one of the doors, punching a flight attendant and several passengers who tried to stop him. He then threw food around the galley as another flight attendant broke wine bottles over his head to try and subdue him. Hudek was eventually tied up, but not before turning the door lever halfway to the open position. Hudek was arrested and has been sentenced to two years in prison.


A Senate hearing was held this week on how to use technology to reduce the effects of climate change. Despite thousands of studies linking rising sea levels to climate change, Senator Mo Brooks of Alabama shared what he believes to be the real reason behind rising sea levels. Brooks said, “Every time you have that soil or rock or whatever it is that is deposited into the seas, that forces the sea levels to rise, because now you have less space in those oceans, because the bottom is moving up.” However, Philip Duffy, an actual climate scientist who was at the hearing, said rocks had little effect on rising sea levels. Sadly, this all occurred during a meeting of the Senate’s Science Committee.


Perhaps finally understanding why men don’t stop to ask for directions is Capon Bridge, West Virginia’s 56-year-old Lisa M. Polk. While driving in northern Virginia recently, Lisa came upon deputies controlling traffic around a downed power line. Instead of minding her own business, Lisa asked a deputy for directions. The deputy determined that Lisa might be under the influence of alcohol and noticed an open container in her vehicle. A more thorough search of the vehicle turned up multiple suitcases containing marijuana, cash, THC oil, packaging materials, anti-scent bags, rolling papers and other drug paraphernalia and Lisa was directed to jail.


Radio.com claims artist Chris Naylor recently mowed Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s engagement photo into his lawn. The portrait is 52 feet long and was paid for by the online betting site Ladbrokes. The site is offering 4-6 odds that Meghan will be late to her wedding