Dumbasses for Wednesday, May 1st

A teenager’s promposal in Henderson, Nevada is going viral for all the wrong reasons. Austin Mousa and Johnny Pashales drove to Hannah Masluk’s house as they carried out Operation Prom Date. The plan was for Johnny to film Austin as he knocked on Hannah’s door, presented her with a box of doughnuts and ask her to the prom. Unfortunately, when they got to Hannah’s neighborhood, Austin couldn’t remember which house was hers. However, Johnny said he had it covered and they pulled up to the house and filmed Austin knocking on the wrong door. The story has a happy ending as Austin and Johnny eventually made it to the right house, Hannah accepted Austin’s promposal, and they attended the dance last month. (See here)

 

Gainesville, Florida’s Kristy Lynn Phillips and her presumably soon-to-be ex-husband were arguing at home last week when he drove off in his truck. Kristy then gave chase, pulled into oncoming traffic to block his truck, and fired off several rounds from a handgun. No one was injured and as she was being arrested, Kristy told deputies she tried to see if the gun was loaded and it jammed after firing the shots, so she flung it out the window.

 

Pinellas Park, Florida Police were called to a local library last week after a drunken man caused a disturbance and refused to leave.  When officers arrived, the man identified himself as Jason Bourne and gave them a false Social Security number. As you might guess, this Bourne identity was false and when officers determined that he was actually Jonathan William Chapman, he was taken into custody on charges of resisting an officer without violence.

 

Gerardo Adan Cazarez Valenzuela was the vault manager for an Anchorage bank in 2011 when he devised an elaborate plot to steal $4.3 million and then make a Hollywood-worthy escape. The plan worked to perfection until Valenzuela was stopped at a checkpoint in Mexico where police found $3.8 million in cash and firearms in his luggage. Valenzuela spent the next seven years in a Mexican prison that he later called “the filthiest place imaginable.” However, he still wasn’t done paying for his crime as Valenzuela was extradited to Alaska, where he pleaded guilty on Monday and was sentenced to another 10 years in prison. Valenzuela said he gave his now-deceased father $500,000 for medical expenses, although prosecutors doubt that story since he’d previously said that his brother hid the remaining cash so he’d have something to fall back on if he got caught.

 

Friendswood, Texas, Domino’s Pizza employee Justin Surface has been cited by police for assault after he got into a fight with a co-worker that one customer described as ‘hilarious.’ Police say Surface assaulted the co-worker because he was mad at him for revealing spoilers to ‘Avengers: Endgame.’

 

Francine Olson and Brandon Reyes went to Florida’s DeSoto County jail and informed the staff that they were new detectives and were there to get their partner, George Chanza, out of jail. Olson and Reyes were quickly reunited with their partner, although it was behind bars as the pair was arrested on charges of impersonating a law enforcement officer.

 

Martin County, Florida’s Leon Oneal Smith was arrested on battery charges after walloping his brother in the head. When officers arrived at their grandfather’s home, Smith’s brother told them Leon came home, looked in the refrigerator and asked, ‘Where’s the beer?’ Despite his denials, Leon implied that his brother drank all the beer and proceeded with the head bashing. It should come as no surprise that the brother said he and Leon were drunk when the altercation occurred.