Dumbasses for Wednesday, February 6th

Lincoln, Nebraska police responded to a call about a man swinging an axe at garbage cans and parked vehicles on Saturday night. When officers arrived, they gave the unnamed man a command to drop the axe, but he refused and instead started pounding his chest and told officers to shoot him. Officers obliged and shot him with a Taser and, not surprisingly, later noted that the man showed signs of intoxication.

 

Brooksville, Florida’s Jennifer Brassard recently got into an argument with her boyfriend, which quickly escalated. This led to Jennifer being arrested on misdemeanor domestic battery charges after she gave her boyfriend a chop. However, Jennifer didn’t give her boyfriend a karate chop, but instead hit him with a frozen pork chop, causing a half-inch cut above his eye.

 

Phillip Lee entered a New Orleans Popeye’s restaurant just before noon on Monday and attempted to steal money from the register. Unfortunately for Lee, he couldn’t open the register, so he instead grabbed some fried chicken and fled the scene. No word on whether Lee was able to enjoy his chicken before he was arrested on robbery and battery charges.

 

Adam Gilliam was rescued from Oregon’s Lava Lands Visitor Center on Thursday night after suffering from hypothermia. The rescue might not have been necessary had Gilliam not walked over 10 miles without clothing as temperatures dipped to the low 20s. Gilliam was said to be disoriented and had extensive injuries consistent with walking naked through brush and trees. Not surprisingly, police said drugs may have played a role.

 

One unidentified St. Louis carjacker may want to consider a new line of work. After tapping on a car window Monday night, the carjacker ordered the driver to out of the vehicle and demanded his keys. However, when the intended victim refused to hand over the keys, the carjacker pointed a gun at the man’s feet and pulled the trigger several times. However, the gun wouldn’t fire and the man tossed his keys, prompting them both to scramble for them. In the confusion, the carjacker dropped his cellphone, and the driver picked it up, while the gunman snatched the keys. The standoff ended when they negotiated a keys-for-cellphone trade and the carjacker fled on foot.

 

A University of North Carolina at Greensboro student, identified only as Maddie, says she and her roommate thought their apartment may be haunted after a number of her things went missing. However, Maddie didn’t have to call Ghostbusters. After hearing a noise coming from her closet on Saturday, she opened the door to find 30-year-old Andrew Clyde Swofford wearing her clothing. Swofford then tried on one of her hats, checked himself in the mirror and asked for a hug. Andrew didn’t get a hug, but he did get handcuffs as Maddie called the cops and kept him distracted until they arrived and arrested him.

 

Britain’s Michael Jameson got into a fender bender with another motorist and they pulled over to the side of the road. However, instead of exchanging information, Jameson climbed out of his car window, took off his clothes and began humping his car. At one point, Jameson was sprawled face down across the hood of the car and footage from a policeman’s bodycam also showed him naked while underneath the vehicle. Mr. Jameson was at a loss to explain his behavior in court, but his lawyer said he was under an enormous amount of pressure from work and seemed to have simply lost the plot. Despite Jameson being appalled and grossly embarrassed, he was found guilty of outraging public indecency and dangerous driving.