Dumbasses for Wednesday, February 20th

Hamilton Township, Pennsylvania’s Kilee Nicole Cunningham sure plays a mean pinball. After losing money in a bowling alley pinball machine early Sunday morning, Kilee was given a refund. However, this didn’t appease Kilee as she punched the machine and threw a cup of water in an employee’s face when she was told to leave. Police soon caught up with Kilee, who refused an officer’s request for ID, instead yelling obscenities, slurring her words and losing her balance. Kilee was identified by her medical marijuana card, but continued to resist officers, kicking, head-butting and spitting on them. When it was determined that Kilee’s intoxication required medical treatment, she bit an EMT on the forearm and had to be sedated. Kilee’s night of being tilted has resulted in numerous charges.


Woodbury, Wisconsin dentist John Michael Haag settled an ongoing dispute over a boathouse by taking gas cans from his home, walking along Bass Lake before and setting fire to the structure. Haag was stunned when, shortly after the fire, he was visited by police who informed him they followed footprints in the snow from the boathouse to his garage. Haag denied setting the fire, even though a deputy noticed two gas cans near the garage with the nozzles open. However, when authorities returned to get information for a warrant, Haag confessed.


One unnamed Humble, Texas man provided the entertainment at his daughter’s 16th birthday party on Saturday. Dad did so by spinning a gun on his finger, which caused it to discharge and shoot him in the stomach. Dad was hospitalized, although his condition is unknown.


An unnamed German man has lost his gun license and hunting permit. The Munich administrative court ruled that the man isn’t fit to carry a firearm after he was shot in the arm when his dog triggered a loaded rifle that was lying in his car. The court ruled the hunter couldn’t be relied upon because it’s assumed that he’ll handle firearms and ammunition carelessly in the future as well. No word on if the dog’s gun rights were also revoked.


Jacksonville Beach, Florida police received several calls about a man walking around with a diamondback rattlesnake wrapped around his neck. Police said the man claimed he found the snake alongside a road and that God told him to save it. Officers told the man to put the snake into the back of the patrol vehicle where wildlife officials retrieved it. They say the man is lucky he wasn’t bitten and perhaps even luckier he wasn’t arrested.


Joel Boyers caused a disturbance at a Nashville bar with his generosity. The wait staff competed to serve Boyers as he handed out tips totaling $22,000. The total might’ve been even higher had Boyers’ friends not tipped police to some texts from him about taking drugs that “increased his intelligence” and drinking while carrying a gun. Apparently the bar staff served Boyers well as officers arrived to find him with bloodshot, watery eyes and smelling of alcohol. Boyers admitted to drinking all day and smoking marijuana before turning over his gun and having officers competing to arrest him on charges of possession of a firearm while intoxicated.


Valerie Gonzalez was upset when she found that she was seated next to a three-year-old child on her JetBlue flight from Fort Lauderdale to Las Vegas on Valentine’s Day. When a fellow passenger declined to trade seats with her, Valerie hit that person and then switched to another seat without getting approval from the flight crew. The good news for Valerie is that she didn’t have to sit next to the kid. The bad news is that was because she was kicked off the flight. While being escorted off the plane, Valerie spat at fellow passengers, flight crew, and police and tried to return to the jet and hit the gate agent in the head before spending the rest of her Valentine’s Day in jail.