Dumbasses for Tuesday, March 5th

The world’s least successful bank robbery took place in Davenport, Iowa last Friday. Police say a suspicious subject wearing a face mask, sunglasses and gloves walked into Ascentra Credit Union, looked around and ran out. Police say there was no weapon involved and detectives are investigating.


If you’re going to get sick, don’t do it in Florida as heath care there could be hard to come by. The state has suspended the licenses of nearly 1,000 health care workers. However it’s not because they’re incompetent, but because they can’t pay their student loans. The suspensions come after student loan companies lobbied lawmakers to make laws to punish those who default by taking away their licenses. While several states have such laws, only Florida is enforcing them, which means those people can’t work to pay the loans.


An unidentified man wearing a headband, hot pink socks, sneakers, and perhaps a thong, has been spotted riding a bicycle around the Miami area. However, our colorful friend upped his game on Sunday by riding backwards on Interstate 95. The video posted on the Florida Man Twitter account has been viewed more than 160,000 times. (See here-NSFW language)


Some of the students riding with Pennsylvania school bus driver Lori Ann Mankos on Friday were allegedly joking about her driving and ultimately asked her to get off the bus. Mankos responded by pulling into a gas station, handing the bus keys to an attendant and walking away, leaving the kids stranded. Many of the kids were picked up by their parents, while Mankos was picked up by police and has been charged with 26 counts of endangering the welfare of children and one count of, yes, DUI.


San Diego attorney Benjamin Pavone was denied when he sought more than $160,000 in fees for a sexual harassment case. Judicial Commissioner Carmen Luege denied the request after noticing his time sheets contained entries for a 25-hour day and said they raised serious questions about their accuracy. Pavone appealed the decision, writing that the judge made a succubustic adoption of the defense position. ‘Succubusitc’ refers to Succubus, which is a fictional female demon believed to have sexual intercourse with sleeping men. Needless to say, that didn’t win the female judge over, especially when it concerned a sexual harassment case. In addition to losing his appeal, the court found Pavone’s name-calling to constitute misconduct and said that it demonstrated gender bias.


Utah police say Jayde Lauren Altemeier confessed to stabbing her mother. While that sort of thing isn’t too terribly unusual, in this case Jadye’s confession was to fellow diners at an Olive Garden restaurant. When police arrived at the restaurant, Jayde was taken into custody with blood on her clothes. Despite what authorities say were multiple stab wounds in locations likely to cause death, Jayde’s mom is expected to survive.