Dumbasses for Tuesday, January 29th

Pinellas Park, Florida’s Peter Hans Emery was recorded by a home video camera last Thursday entering a roommate’s lock box, selecting a pill bottle labeled ‘Hydrocodone-Acetaminophen,’ pouring pills into his hand, and then leaving. That video proved incriminating enough for Emery to be arrested. However, the real punishment may have come later if he took any of the pills as the bottle actually contained Equate Gentle Laxative, which promises “predictable overnight relief.”


When the wife of Parrish, Florida’s Victor Fosser became upset and attempted to seek comfort from him, he took her to Taco Bell for lunch. Fosser has a lot to learn about comforting as when they got home he attempted to give his wife a burrito while making fun of her for being upset. This caused the woman to grab the burrito and throw it on the floor, which caused Fosser to pick it up and smash it in her face, which caused his wife to call police, which caused Victor to be arrested on domestic battery charges and thrown in jail.


Marshalltown, Iowa prosecutor Benjamin Stansberry had his law license suspended indefinitely after he handled a co-worker’s legal briefs. To be precise, Stansberry not only resigned from his job, but pleaded guilty to misdemeanor theft and trespassing charges following his arrest last month after a female co-worker accused him of stealing a pair of her underwear.


Detroit’s Johnny Thomas rear-ended a pickup truck early Saturday morning. When police arrived, officers found Thomas to have a blood-alcohol level of almost twice the legal limit. Arresting officers may have recognized Thomas, not because he’s a repeat offender, but because he’s Commander Johnny Thomas, of the Third Precinct.


Police in Norfolk, England pulled over a vehicle being driven erratically on Saturday. They soon discovered that the erratic driving was at least partially explained by the car’s missing right front tire. The erratic driving was further explained when the driver was found to have a blood-alcohol level of more than three times the legal limit.