Dumbasses for Thursday, March 7th

Silver Spring, Maryland police have shared surveillance video of four men trying to steal an ATM from a 7-Eleven. Sadly, the video was shared without accompanying Benny Hill music as it shows a pickup truck smashing backward through the storefront and three masked men struggling to load the heavy machine on a hand truck. As the crooks struggled with the ATM, one less-than-helpful thief was punched in the arm by his partner to urge him to put more effort into the heist. When they finally got the ATM outside, it fell off the hand truck and onto one of the suspects. However, it didn’t matter as their getaway driver had given up and left them stranded. At that point the hapless thieves fled the scene empty-handed and police stopped laughing long enough to ask the public to help ID the suspects. (See here)

 

Franklin, Indiana police arrested a woman on Saturday after she passed a counterfeit $100 bill at a Kroger store. The woman is said to have treated the funny money with laundry starch in order to fool counterfeit detection markers. The woman initially denied knowing any of her cash was counterfeit, but later admitted to buying the fake bills for $10 each. If you’re wondering, the woman’s name is Honesty Beecher.

 

Last month, MIT Technology Review published an article about hipsters and why they always seemed to look alike. Along with all the whys and wherefores, the article included a stock image of a typical hipster. Before long, MIT received a complaint from an irate man saying they’d used his photo in the hipster article without his permission. However, after the MIT staff checked with the company they bought the photo from, they found that the person in the picture was a professional model and not the irate man. They also noted that this helped to prove that hipsters really do look alike.

 

Schenectady, New York police arrested Antonios Anastahas on DUI charges Tuesday night after he crashed into a utility pole and then a fire hydrant, sending water spewing into the street. And how do police know Antonios was drunk? Aside from the usual bloodshot and watery eyes, slurred speech and smell of alcohol, Antonios told officers, “Man I’ve had like six or seven beers, I’m drunk.”

 

Billionaire diamond trader Ehud Arye Laniado seemed to have it all. The 65-year-old Laniado owned the most expensive penthouse in Monaco, as well as a house in LA’s swanky Bel Air neighborhood, where he loved to drink bottles of Chateau Margaux with models and celebrities. However, Laniado apparently had one shortcoming that has led to his demise. Doctors say Laniado died of a heart attack while undergoing penis enlargement surgery at a private clinic in Paris

 

Firefighters in Jinan, China, were called to a hospital on Saturday for an unusual task. It seems that a male student had gotten an iron ring stuck on his thing in what they described as a bizarre solo sex game. While it’s not known if there are any solo sex games that aren’t bizarre, firefighters went to work with a circular saw to remove the ring, which was cutting off the man’s blood supply down there. The student was finally freed after being stuck for five hours, but suffered “severe swelling.” While the man was spared the embarrassment of having his name published, he wasn’t spared the indignity of having video of the operation shared online. (See here)