Dumbasses for Thursday, July 11th

Rock Island, Illinois’ David Alexander Axnix is facing DUI and other charges after allegedly crashing his pickup into a ditch on Sunday. Axnix denied driving the wrecked pickup, but admitted to having a beer and shots with his lunch. That excuse might’ve worked out better had witnesses not told police they saw him going over 100 mph and running cars off the road before climbing out of the ditch while holding a beer.

 

Dixon, Illinois’ Jennifer A. Janus Yeager has been arrested for carpooling. On Tuesday afternoon, police spotted Jennifer driving with an inflatable swimming pool on top of her car. Inside the pool were her 8-and-16-year-old daughters. Jennifer explained that she’d just driven to a friend’s house to inflate the pool, and the girls were sitting in it to hold it down on the drive home. Alas, that excuse wasn’t good enough to avoid charges of endangering the health or life of a child and reckless conduct.

 

East Haddam, Connecticut’s Matt Graillat was boating on the Connecticut River on Friday when he started yelling at other boaters. Apparently still angry, Matt then pulled a gun on them. That prompted a call to police, who boarded Matt’s vessel and found eleven other guns. The good news for Matt is that he was allowed to go up the river, albeit in a ‘go directly to jail’ sense.

 

The girlfriend of Luis Christopher Peynado Fatiol says that when he gets angry, he “doesn’t think clearly.” That was apparently the case on Tuesday as they were driving along the Florida Turnpike. Luis says that after the driver of a van rear-ended him and then struck his car door, he gave chase. While pursuing the van, and against his girlfriend’s wishes, Luis grabbed a handgun from his glove box, inserted a magazine, and fired at the van in an attempt to stop it. The driver of the van was already on the phone with deputies when Luis began shooting and officers got both vehicles to stop and arrested Luis on numerous charges, including attempted felony murder.

 

An unidentified Florida man told police that he took his 2007 Toyota Avalon to get the engine replaced. However, when he got it back four days later, he said the vehicle appeared to have grease on the steering wheel, center console and the driver’s side, which gave off a terrible odor. Imagine his surprise when he took the vehicle to be detailed, but was refused service and told the substance wasn’t grease, but poop. The man said he spoke to the repair shop manager, who said he had no idea how it could have happened and hung up on him, but added that he’s had some problems with a neighbor, which are likely to escalate.

 

Berea, Kentucky’s Aaron Noland was arrested after getting into a fight. Police say Noland was in his underwear at a local animal shelter while fighting an imaginary opponent. While the story asks more questions than it answers, all was explained with his arrest on charges of public intoxication of a controlled substance

 

The mother of Milledgeville, Georgia’s Kensli Davis recently went to Dairy Queen to order her a Disney Moana-themed  birthday cake. However, due to a misunderstanding, mom brought home a marijuana-themed cake with a leaf and a My Little Pony-like horse smoking a joint, with red eyes and a tramp stamp of a pot leaf on its bottom depicted on top. Kensli said she and her family found the mix-up humorous and ate the cake anyway. (See report here)

 

Fort Pierce, Florida’s Lionel Briscoe was pulled over by police for running a stop sign. When the officer approached the vehicle, he noticed Briscoe had his pants down. Briscoe explained to the officer that he had his trousers lowered because he was working out. However, when a woman in the passenger seat was asked the same question she said, “What’s done is done,” and indicated she gave a sexual favor to Briscoe in exchange for $20. Briscoe’s next workout was in the jail gym.

Kai Scott was cruising around Tucson, Arizona yesterday morning in his black sports car when he allegedly crossed a median and crashed. Kai might’ve avoided charges of DUI and criminal damage had officers not determined he was displaying signs and symptoms associated with impairment. Of course, there was also the large cactus that became imbedded in his windshield after he hit it.

 

Charles White and Shaun Yeomans are convicted felons currently locked up in Florida’s Pasco County jail on narcotics charges. Both men are likely to extend their current stays. This comes after White allegedly mailed a postcard to Yeomans that solicited the killing of fellow inmate Lionel Florez. White was apparently unaware that jailers read their correspondence, which in this case was much easier since it wasn’t sealed in an envelope. White wanted Florez killed to avenge the death of his son, who he says was killed by Florez’s brother. White didn’t do his defense lawyer any favors by telling authorities that he would’ve killed Florez himself if he had access to him.

Missouri’s Vanessa Richey went to the DMV on Tuesday morning. Like many people at the DMV, Vanessa was annoyed by the long line. Unlike many people at the DMV, Vanessa told a worker behind a counter that the president’s life was in danger and that it was a matter of national security that she be helped before everyone else. When she was told she’d have to wait, Vanessa pushed a printer off the counter, cursed at the staff and went outside where she pulled out a handgun and fired a shot into the ground. A retired police officer and another man held Vanessa at gunpoint until police arrived to arrest her.

 

An unnamed mother took her daughter to Jacksonville, Florida’s All About Kids and Families Medical Center. While they waited to see a doctor, mom began fiddling through a jar of tongue depressors. Her daughter then reached inside and took one, licked it, and then placed it back inside the jar. No one might’ve noticed had mom not filmed the incident and shared on Snapchat. When asked why she recorded it, mom responded, “I was just being silly with my kids.” Not so silly were the death threats she soon received or police referring the matter to the State Attorney’s Office.