Dumbasses for Thursday, February 21st

Last week, 25-year-old Steven Shrout went to a Dallas dog park wearing only a gold Speedo bathing suit and covered in peanut butter. Shrout then proceeded to allow the dogs to lick him as his girlfriend filmed it. However, it’s not as weird as it sounds. It turns out that Shrout placed last in his 12-person fantasy football league, the penalty for which was to pay $250 or do the dog park stunt. (See here)


Last Thursday, East Wareham, Massachusetts’ Eric Bedard was arrested for shoplifting at a local grocery store. Apparently not wanting to go to jail, Bedard attempted to escape from the police cruiser by kicking at the rear door and protective bars. When warned that his actions could result in additional charges, Bedard berated officers by saying they should be more concerned with serious crimes. It turns out the officers do tend to serious crimes. For example, just the night before, they arrested a man for disorderly conduct. That man was also Eric Bedard, who became violent after being given a verbal warning about disturbing the peace at his trailer park.


In Wisconsin, Tremper High School cheerleading coach Patti Uttech handed out prizes at the school’s annual awards banquet. Among the honors received by the cheerleaders were the ‘Big Boobie’ and ‘Big Booty’ awards. In her presentation, Patti noted that the winner of the ‘Big Boobie’ prize risked concussion when she ran due to her “enormous boobs”. Patti later wrote an email to the school principal, saying that the girls’ parents “thought it was the funniest thing”. However, at least four people at the ceremony disagreed and complained to the school. The school later asked Patti to resign and send a letter of apology to the girls involved and while she did so, she’s still coaching at the school.


One unnamed man is threatening to sue his wife over their honeymoon. The threats come after the bride went on Reddit to describe her shock at discovering her husband’s ‘micropenis.’ The woman said their first intimate encounter was on the wedding night after her husband had previously resisted intimacy by telling her he was an old fashioned guy and wanted to wait. The woman says her husband is considering suing and divorcing her because he’s convinced that his identity will eventually be leaked and he’ll be publicly humiliated. While Redditors were divided on who to side with, many noted that the real red flag was the lack of trust rather than the size.


Facebook user Emmy Hurley went viral after she posted the story of her scary encounter with a fake Uber driver. Emmy said that after booking an Uber to pick her up at the Tampa airport on Monday night, she got into the wrong car. After realizing her mistake, Emmy said the driver refused to respond to her requests to stop the car, so she bailed out while it was moving. Emmy wrote that she later found out the female driver is a sex traffic worker and she had narrowly avoided a kidnapping. However, upon further investigation, Tampa police say the woman who picked Emmy up was an Uber driver, but spoke little English. Police also said there’s no evidence that she’s a sex trafficker or that sex traffickers are targeting Uber customers at the airport.


A West Virginia woman, identified only as Jill, was recently dining at a restaurant when she began screaming at manager Sergio Budar after overhearing him speaking Spanish to an employee. A video shows Jill screaming, “English is our first language, so you need to speak English.” Jill went on to tell him, “Get the f— out of my country,” and adding, “I got raped by illegal aliens,” while throwing something at him. In case you were wondering, Jill was dining at the Tampico Mexican Restaurant in Parkersburg. (See here)


After being kicked out of a Seattle sober living house, Douglas Braden Smyser decided to check into a drug rehab center in Malibu. Smyser’s journey to Malibu helped to explain why he was kicked out of the sober house as before he boarded his flight to Southern California, he ate some meth. The flight was diverted to Portland where Smyser was arrested after he refused to stay in his seat, tried to move to the first-class section, threw his backpack into the aisle, turned on an electric razor and talked about having a gun. Smyser is now facing numerous charges, including federal counts of interference with a flight crew.


Zebulon, North Carolina’s Brooks Michael Driver has been charged with assault following a food fight. Police say Driver hit a man with a porcelain watermelon topped with a chicken in December. While the story asks more questions than it answers, it’s noted that the attack resulted in the victim receiving cuts to his face and heavy bruising.


Police in Manitowoc, Wisconsin arrested Karl Kinyon on Monday after he drove away from a gas station without paying for the 23rd time. Kinyon was arrested despite telling police he was in a hurry and has a “layaway system” with the station and pays for the gas “eventually.”