Dumbasses for Thursday, February 14th

Jason Mackenrodt staged a holdup at the Bangor Savings Bank in Waterville, Maine on Tuesday morning. Jason successfully emerged from the bank with an undetermined amount of money, which he never got to spend. That’s because Jason only made it across the street to a parking lot where he slipped and fell on some ice, causing his gun and the stolen money to fall to the ground. Not only did bystanders scoop up the cash, Jason had the misfortune of falling in front of Special Agent Glen Lang with the Maine State Police, who made the arrest.


Convicted Mexican drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman has a fan in Florida’s Brandon Charles Deshon. Unfortunately, Brandon was caught by police while expressing his admiration for El Chapo by painting the words “ELS” and “city” onto a light pole in Orlando. Brandon explained to the officer that the three letters represented a nickname for El Chapo and he was declaring Orlando has his city. Like El Chapo, Brandon found himself behind bars. Upon his arrival at the jail, he repeatedly threatened to hire a “crackhead” to kill the deputy and her family, which added a charge of threatening a law enforcement officer to his previous criminal mischief charges


Wichita, Kansas police were called to a Home Depot on Monday afternoon after they received a bomb threat. An employee told officers he was in the restroom when a man came out of a bathroom stall and said, “Somebody told me there’s a bomb in the building.” A store clerk recognized the man and an officer called him on the phone. The man told police that he was in the bathroom when a guy in the stall next to him announced, “You all need to get out of here because I’m fixin to blow it up,” adding that they laughed because, unlike the employee, they understood the warning.


The Norwegian Epic left Florida’s Port Canaveral on Saturday and was supposed to stop at Tortola, British Virgin Islands and St Thomas, U.S. Virgin Islands. Unfortunately, those stops never happened. However, the ship did stop in San Juan, Puerto Rico on Tuesday, thanks in part to the two mooring points that it destroyed while coming to a halt. It’s reported that one of the ship’s engines was non-functional before they set sail, and an alarm sounded during the voyage because of a fight between two cruise line employees. Needless to say, passengers weren’t happy with their voyage or Norwegian’s offer of 50 percent off their next cruise to make up for it. (See crash here)


On Monday afternoon, William Graham tried to catch a flight from Cleveland to Boston. Unfortunately, the drunken Graham instead went to jail after he became aggressive towards other passengers and staff. The next morning Graham returned to the airport and this time caught a flight to Florida. However, he again appeared to be drunk and, after failing to cooperate with the flight crew, the plane returned to the gate and Graham was arrested for the second time. Instead of jail, Graham was taken to the hospital after complaining of chest pains. Graham returned to the airport that afternoon and became abusive towards the staff and completed the trifecta with his third arrest. Graham later appeared in court where he was fined $100.


A Brooklyn UPS driver could find himself delivered to the unemployment line. The driver was making his rounds when he blocked in an ambulance and ignored the blaring sirens as he kept paramedics waiting over 30 seconds before moving his truck out of the way. When a passerby asked the driver how he’d feel if it were one of his family members inside the ambulance, he looked uncomfortable and said if the person posted the video they’d be sued. They did, they weren’t, and UPS says they’re taking appropriate action.


You may recall the story of Canada’s Dave Assman, who was recently denied a personalized license plate with his name on it. Assman didn’t get mad, he got even by getting a large decal that looks like a license plate and now proudly drives around with the name Assman displayed on his truck’s tailgate. (See here)


A Kunshan, China man, identified only as Zhang, was apparently happily married. In fact, Zhang was so happy being married that he did it three times. Zhang thought he found a loophole in marriage laws by marrying three different women in separate provinces and he set them up in their own apartments. Zhang managed to even start families with all of them by explaining to the others that he was going on business trips. Unfortunately for Zhang, his first wife discovered the arrangement and he was arrested. Apparently the hopeless romantic, Zhang says that whichever of the two wives forgives him, he will be with…when he gets out of prison.


Two Mansfield, Massachusetts firefighters were treated at a local hospital for smoke inhalation after battling a blaze. The firefighters may have also been treated for irony as the blaze in question involved their fire engine, which burst into flames inside their firehouse. The cause is under investigation.


Two Lithonia, Georgia brothers and their 61 year-old mother were at their home when an argument began. The argument escalated and one brother locked the others inside the home and poured gasoline on the front steps and set it on fire, trapping the two inside. Luckily, the trapped family members made it out of the burning home safely and their firebug brother was arrested. Police noted the firebug was intoxicated and that the family argument started over a box of Cheez-Its.


In Alabama, a Fayette County Sheriff’s Office deputy pulled a man over on a routine traffic stop and found the driver to be in possession of illegal drugs. No word on whether the deputy found his thrill when he arrested 19-year-old Blue Berry Hill.


Fort Myers, Florida’s Phillip Daley says that he and partner Bernadette Colatarci like having “sexy sexy” and don’t believe what they do is wrong. Normally, such activity between two consenting adults isn’t wrong. However, Phillip and Bernadette are homeless and were enjoying their ‘sexy sexy’ on a sidewalk on Main Street in close proximity to a children’s parade on Sunday. ‘Sexy Sexy’ turned into ‘busty busty’ as Phillip and Bernadette were arrested for lewd and lascivious behavior and, yes, officers say the couple appeared very intoxicated.