Dumbasses for Thursday, August 8th

Police in Leland Township, Michigan arrested an unnamed 36-year-old man on Tuesday evening for suspicion of operating a watercraft while intoxicated. And what made police suspicious? An area resident called police to inform them that the man had crashed into their dock and they arrived to find him sleeping on the boat with an open bottle of vodka nearby. Tests revealed the boater had a dangerously high blood alcohol level and he was treated at a hospital before his arrest.

 

Jamie Bisceglia met some fishermen during a fishing derby in Washington’s Tacoma Narrows last Friday and saw her chance to win the derby’s photo contest. The fishermen had hooked an octopus and Jamie was sure that a photo of it on her face would win the contest. What Jamie didn’t anticipate was the octopus grabbing her with its suckers, and then jabbing its beak into her chin and biting her on the face. Jamie also didn’t know octopi have a powerful beak used to break crabs, clams and mussels and their bite contains poisonous venom to immobilize their prey. Jamie says she’s still in pain and was told it could last for months. Jamie says, “Crazy me, hindsight now and looking back, I probably made a big mistake”.

 

Fort Lauderdale, Florida’s 61-year-old Alice Coleman put a bite into crime after waking up early Monday morning to the sound of a fire alarm going off. Unfortunately, when Alice opened the door, Fitzroy Morton pushed his way inside. Alice says Fitzroy kept calling her “mama” and telling her everything would be okay. While it was okay for Alice, the same can’t be said for Fitzroy as she used the few teeth she has left to bite him. Alice then ran out of the apartment as Fitzroy locked himself inside. Alice then called police, who came and arrested Fitzroy.

 

An unidentified man went on Reddit to share how he and his wife are “quite happily married.” Despite that, with his wife out of town on business and him feeling lonely, he downloaded the Tinder app. The man claims he had no intention of actually meeting anyone, but it turns out he did. As he was swiping, he came upon his wife’s profile. While the man noted he met his wife on Tinder, he said they don’t have an open relationship or anything of that nature. The man also noted that he was going to confront her, even though it would mean having to explain why he was on Tinder.