Dumbasses for Monday, July 15th

Last Wednesday, Conestoga, Pennsylvania’s Jason Kolb tried to convince neighbors that he had a time machine and was from the future. Jason told his neighbors that it was actually the year 2015 and he was from 2019 and produced his mail and a can of oysters with a 2019 expiration date as evidence. At some point, one of the neighbors became alarmed enough to call police, who found that Jason was wanted on a simple assault warrant and was in possession of a small baggie of white powder. Police then took Jason back to his future in jail.


A New York City bicyclist, identified only as Blake, was pedaling through the city on Saturday afternoon when a police officer noticed him blow through a stop light. The officer put out his hand for Blake to stop, but he just acknowledged the officer and kept riding. The officer then yelled at Blake to stop, but again he kept going. After Blake ran a couple more red lights, the officer got on his loudspeaker and said, ‘Bicyclist, stop!’ Again, Blake looked over and acknowledged the cop, but kept going. The officer finally got Blake to stop by cutting in front of him. Blake crashed into the police vehicle, with his bicycle becoming lodged inside the squad car’s rear wheel well. It’s reported that the crowd of onlookers laughed out loud when the officer told Blake that he ran him off the road for his own safety.


Two Peterborough, England police officers had just finished a call when they decided to take a break at a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop. While they were there, they unintentionally treated someone else to donuts. It seems that the officers left the keys to their squad car in the ignition and one cheeky bloke decided to take advantage of the situation by doing a few laps around the parking lot with the siren and lights on. The guy then returned the car to its parking space and, amazingly, was only given a stern lecture. The officers were also given “management words of advice” when they returned to headquarters.


After sideswiping a car, Australia’s 19-year-old Benjamin Saurian fled the scene and tried to dump his vehicle and destroy the license plates so he couldn’t be tracked down. The reason Benjamin was so concerned about the accident was because he didn’t have a driver’s license and the vehicle he sideswiped was a police car. To make matters worse, the cop’s leg was broken in the accident, but Benjamin’s parents convinced their son to turn himself in. The court apparently admired Benjamin’s honesty when he said he couldn’t see out of his vehicle because it was so full of marijuana smoke. Benjamin was only ordered to attend drug education classes and agree not to fraternize with anyone else who was in his car on that night.


Manuel S. Torres apparently didn’t get the memo about obeying all traffic laws while transporting drugs. Torres was pulled over for speeding last Tuesday in Queensbury, New York. During the trooper’s chat with Torres, he smelled the odor of marijuana coming from inside the vehicle and a subsequent search turned up 179 pounds of pot. A driver that had been tailgating Torres was also pulled over and arrested after it was discovered that he had rented both vehicles.


Early Thursday morning an unnamed Ypsilanti Township, Michigan man awoke to the sounds of an intruder in his house. The man told police he grabbed his gun, saw someone lurking about and pulled the trigger. It turned out that the intruder was his wife and the man will now be raising their two children as a single parent.


Dickey’s Barbecue in West Manchester Township, Pennsylvania apparently serves up some irresistible food. Chris Payton recently placed an order with Dickey’s and had it delivered via Door Dash. Unfortunately, after Payton opened the box, he found the driver had eaten half of his food. Dickey’s confirmed the story and said they had previous issues with the same driver.