Dumbasses for Friday, March 8th

In Ephrata, Pennsylvania, Manuel Jesus Median hit the flashing lights on his car and pulled over a motorist. Medina identified himself as a police officer, but then clarified to the driver he wasn’t an officer “but should be considered one.” The motorist drove away and called police and real officers that should be considered as such paid a visit to Medina and arrested him on charges of impersonating a police officer.


Mary Taylor was visiting family in Indiana last week, but neglected to take her prescribed psychiatric meds. When Mary began acting unusual, her family called 9-1-1, but police said they couldn’t force Mary to go to the hospital because she wasn’t a danger to herself or others. However, that changed a short time later when police picked Mary up at a Walmart and drove her to the police station. Before long, Mary walked out of the station, stole a police cruiser and drove home. That led to a two-state, high speed chase, which ended when Mary crashed the cruiser and was arrested on numerous charges.


An unnamed U.S. Customs and Border Protection officer was shot at the Las Vegas airport international terminal Wednesday evening. The officer was wounded in the hand, although he wasn’t battling terrorists, but instead accidentally shot himself


An unnamed Portland, Oregon man got to take a ride in two ambulances in one day. After the man was found standing in the middle of a street and acting erratically, paramedics convinced him to go to the hospital in their ambulance. When paramedics stopped along the way, the man got behind the wheel and drove away, leaving the paramedics behind. During his cruise, the man caused a three-car accident and was eventually stopped by spike strips. Placed then placed the man in a second ambulance to complete his journey to the hospital.


When St. Paul, Minnesota police answered a call downtown on Tuesday morning, they soon found themselves with two more thefts to deal with. While attending to the original call, a man rode off on a police Segway and a woman stole a police Pepper Ball gun. The thefts were seen on surveillance video and police soon caught up with Chelise Desiree Brown and Tyrese Desean Johnson. Police say Johnson had the Pepper Ball gun and a warrant for felony burglary tools. He also likely explained his actions by saying he’d ingested narcotics as both were arrested.


It wasn’t such a nice day for a white wedding in Ocean Ridge, Florida last Sunday. As Jeffery Alvord prepare to tie the knot, he noticed Trevor Mooney sitting in front of the wedding party and blocking the camera’s view. Alvord asked Mooney to move, but he refused, and when relocation discussions broke down and Mooney stood up in an aggressive manner, Alvord punched him in the face. Alvord told police he felt threatened, but by using his fists instead of a gun, he apparently couldn’t invoke Florida’s ‘Stand Your Ground’ law and was arrested, forcing him to delay his wedding until Monday.


A Milford, Connecticut woman called police last month when a young man she didn’t recognize began beating on her door early one morning and demanded to be let in. The woman instead called police, who soon caught up with the unnamed door banger, who said it was cold and he had nowhere to go. That was about to change as the man added that he’d smoked “a lot of marijuana” and taken 15 Xanax and was on probation for armed robbery. The man’s story seemed to be confirmed by his slurred speech and empty pill bottle with white residue. The man then had a place to go as he was taken to jail.


Fort Wayne, Indiana’s Aarron W. Suggs is brutally honest. Suggs was sentenced Wednesday to 56 years in prison for attempted murder and aggravated battery after shooting two people outside a bar last August. During his sentencing, Suggs apologized to the victims and their families, and explained he had too much to drink that night, before looking at one of the victims and saying, “Sorry for being a piece of s—.”


Officials in American Canyon, California have revoked the license of an espresso kiosk. However, it’s not due to a health code violation, but because female employees of the Bottoms Up Espresso kiosk served coffee while wearing (gasp) bikinis. An attorney for the coffee shop argued that no city employee had observed employees at the kiosk in the allegedly offensive attire, although that didn’t stop the city council from voting unanimously to revoke the license.


Lincoln, Nebraska’s Christopher Vance spent his Wednesday afternoon intoxicated and breaking bottles in front of his home and lighting off bottle rockets. After neighbors called police, officers arrived to find an uncooperative Vance still lighting the rockets. When Vance refused the officers’ requests to stop shooting the rockets, he was launched into jail.