Dumbasses for Friday, February 1st

An unnamed Madison, Wisconsin homeowner was forced to deal with the effects of the polar vortex by attempting to thaw out frozen pipes in his basement. On the upside, fire tends to thaw pipes out very quickly. On the downside, the man’s basement wall caught fire and the house had to be evacuated.

 

One Lawrence, Kansas woman found a way to keep herself warm during the polar vortex. Tiara Dillon hunkered down in the Playerz Sports Bar on Tuesday night. However, after ordering several drinks and making erratic remarks, she was kicked out at 1:30 a.m. When her car wouldn’t start, Tiara tried to get back in the bar and they called police. Police soon found her car and her two small children that had been sitting in it the whole time in freezing temperatures. Tiara was soon cooling off in jail on DUI and aggravated child endangerment charges.

 

Like many moms, South Carolina’s Caitlin Alyse Hardy was awoken in the middle of the night by her baby. Unlike many moms, Caitlyn decided to get even with her baby by pouring a bottle of water over its face while she was asleep. Caitlin also had the foresight to post a video of the prank on Facebook, which is now serving as evidence against her after several people saw the clip and reported it to police.

 

Mesa, Arizona’s Taylor Ashburn recently turned 21, but the apparently extended celebration has come to an abrupt end. Police pulled Taylor over after they clocked her driving 110 miles an hour. Police can’t charge Taylor with falsifying information as she told a trooper, “You know I am drunk.” However, police can and did charge Taylor with extreme DUI and unlawful flight from law enforcement.

 

Florida’s Arizbet Vazques Contreras has been charged with DUI/manslaughter in the death of motorcyclist Jason Sasser last year. Sadly, tragedy met awkwardness as Arizbet identified Sasser as her boyfriend, whom she’d been drinking at a bar with just before the accident. As it turned out, the fatal accident prevented Sasser from getting home to his wife and kids. Sasser’s wife posted a message to Facebook directed at Arizbet shortly after the accident, stating that her careless behavior caused the end of a loving marriage. However, it’s not known if Sasser’s wife was aware of her husband’s affair.

 

An unnamed Tucson bicyclist was seriously injured when he was struck by an SUV. However, it may not be the SUV driver, but karma that’s to blame. It seems the SUV driver was chasing after the bicyclist because he’d stolen his bicycle.

 

Lehigh Acres, Florida’s 14-year-old Josie Bigelow thought it would be fun to order a pizza for someone else and then hid in nearby bushes as it was delivered. However, the real prank Josie pulled early Wednesday morning was to lure a delivery driver to her location so she could steal their car to go see her boyfriend. Unfortunately, Josie never made it to see her boyfriend before police caught up with her and placed her under arrest. As a bonus, the delivery man gave the pizza to responding deputies.

 

Zane Alexander Carlson was arrested Wednesday at Pensacola International Airport. However, he wasn’t trying to carry a weapon on an airplane. Instead, Zane was arrested after he drove through an airport fence and onto an active runway, where he did donuts in his car. Zane then drove into a hangar where he served up more donuts until his arrest. Police say that, unlike Zane, airport operations continued as normal.

 

University of Central Florida student Max Chambers was found to have an illegally modified AR-15 rifle in his car. When questioned about the matter, Max admitted to owning the rifle, but said he doesn’t like laws. Unfortunately for Max, police do like laws and they arrested him on weapons charges.

 

With a measles outbreak spreading across the Pacific Northwest, an unnamed anti-vaxx mom turned to Facebook’s Vaccine Education Network: Natural Health Anti-Vaxx Community to seek advice on how to prevent her unvaccinated 3-year-old from catching the disease. No word on if mom received any tips on ensuring her child didn’t catch measles, aside from the common sense advice of having her child vaccinated, but if snark is a cure, her child should be safe. (See snark here)

 

Austin, Texas police arrested 26-year-old Dovie Nickels after receiving a complaint about her behavior from employees at the JW Marriott hotel. It turns out that the hotel employees weren’t the only ones to finger Dovie as police arrived to find her sitting by herself on the patio of a restaurant across the street. When officers approached, Dovie stopped moving her arms under the table and placed them on top of it, which is when police noticed that she wasn’t wearing any pants. Officers say the apparently dexterous Dovie continued to pleasure herself even after she was handcuffed and placed in the back seat of a patrol vehicle following her arrest on indecent exposure charges.

 

Pennsylvania’s Southern York County School District provides each family with a student handbook at the beginning of the year. The handbook reads in part, “respect for individual diversity is an essential element of a positive learning environment.” Perhaps the handbook wasn’t read by Friendship Elementary School Principal Lisa Boyer. It seems that Lisa was photographed attending a team building exercise with her school staff while dressed as TV personality Steve Harvey, complete with blackface. Following an investigation, Lisa was disciplined and apologized to school staff. (See photo here)

 

Detroit police officer Gary Steele pulled over 23-year-old Ariel Moore for having an expired registration and seized the vehicle. Ariel declined a ride home from Steele and his partner and walked a block to her house in below-freezing weather. That might’ve been the end of it had Officer Steele not posted a video to Snapchat on Tuesday showing one of them saying Ariel was doing the “walk of shame,” along with stickers reading, “What black girl magic looks like” and “celebrating Black History Month.” Yes, the video did circulate, yes there was outrage and, yes, Steele has been reassigned pending an investigation.

 

Georgetown University announced bold, new plans for a massive, 100,000-panel solar farm in an effort to cut its carbon footprint by half. Georgetown announced that the solar farm would be large enough to offset the burning of 28 million pounds of coal and the equivalent to planting more than 600,000 trees. Unfortunately, what Georgetown didn’t announce is that, in order to construct the solar farm, it’ll require the clear-cutting 240 acres of forest. Activists are now asking Georgetown to consider a new location for their solar farm.

 

Three members of the Brazee family, who were wanted in Indiana on drug charges, have been arrested in Milton, Kentucky. However, the big news in the arrest is the discovery of an early ‘Mug Shot of the Year’ contender in 52-year-old Pamela Brazee, who may or may not go by the nickname ‘Cyclops.’ (See here)