Celia Rivenbark

n 2000, Coastal Carolina Press published a collection of Celia’s columns. A Southeast Book Sellers Association best-seller, Bless Your Heart, Tramp was nominated for the James Thurber Prize in 2001. David Sedaris won. He wins everything.

Her second book, We’re Just Like You, Only Prettier, published by St. Martin’s Press in 2004, was the winner of the Southern Independent Booksellers Alliance Nonfiction Book of the Year and was a finalist for the James Thurber Prize for American Humor. Jon Stewart won. He and David Sedaris probably went out drinking afterwards. I’m sorry, did that sound bitter?

Her third book, Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank was named best title of 2006 by Entertainment Weekly magazine. Not best book, mind you, best title. Which it was. The title landed her a gig on Good Morning America where she kept stopping taping so she could flap her hands and go, “Ohmigod, Ohmigod” over and over again. Well. It was a big deal, that whole national TV thing. Southerners don’t get that kind of fame unless they’re describing yet another tornado rippin’ through the Valley of Despair Mobile Home Park or some such.

Belle Weather: Mostly Sunny With A Chance of Scattered Hissy Fits, published in 2006, included a home-improvement section in which Celia confided that she grew so accustomed to having workmen in her home during a kitchen renovation that she forgot they were there and pooted out loud once. Mortification ensued. The book, a Thurber Prize semi-finalist for humor, was one of three finalists for the SIBA Nonfiction Book of the Year. Instead they gave the award to Rick Bragg. Who already won a Pulitzer. Greedy, talented bastard.

“Celia’s fifth book, “You Can’t Drink All Day if You Don’t Start in the Morning” was a finalist for the 2010 SIBA non-fiction book of the year. Bonus feature: “Drink” contains some killer family recipes to help sober you up after too much Firefly sippin’.”

Book 6, “You Don’t Sweat Much for a Fat Girl,” published in 2011 finally fulfilled Celia’s dream of getting a spot on the New York Times Bestseller list. It wasn’t there long but that’s not the point and I can’t believe you even brought that up.

And, now, Book 7: “Rude Bitches Make Me Tired,” a profanity-laced rant that actually contains a veritable ass-load of good, solid advice in it. Not the useless stuff about raised pinkies while drinking tea but the important stuff like how to deal with the braggy bitch on the playground. Will this new book make the “Times” list? Only with your help so feel free to jump in anytime. And thank you.

As to those critics who have accused Celia of having “the sense of humor of a sixth-grade boy,” she has this measured response: “They can just suck it.”

Here’s her website (from which everything here except this sentence was ripped off).