Dumbasses for Friday, February 22nd

Like many people this week, residents in Lincoln, Nebraska were happy to see the city snow plows come and clear their streets. However, for some residents along Normal Boulevard, their street was not only cleared of snow, their mailboxes were also plowed. The city has admitted that one of their plows took out thirty blocks of mailboxes and is reassuring homeowners that they’ll replace them.

 

Washington’s King County Sheriff’s Office had been looking for serial burglary suspect Shayne C. Kennedy since last August. Sheriffs said Kennedy has been terrorizing homeowners by breaking into their garages, sheds and outbuildings. However, homeowners can breathe a sigh of relief as Kennedy has been captured following his latest alleged crime. After receiving a tip, deputies were able to track Kennedy down by following his boot prints in the snow.

 

An unnamed Petersburg, Virginia man recently met someone on a dating app and it resulted in him getting it in the butt. However, it’s not what you’re thinking as the man arrived to meet his date on a dark street, only to find it was a man with a gun waiting to rob him. Our friend was shot in the butt during the robbery attempt and the suspect is still at large.

 

Earlier this month, 73-year-old Joanne Carr was driving in Florida when she apparently ran over some recently planted trees, collided with a fence and ran over another. When deputies arrived, Joanne couldn’t figure out how to unlock her doors or roll down the windows. When asked what happened, Joanne replied, “What do you think, pig?” and informed them she’d been drinking vodka since 8 a.m. Officers duly noted an open container of Smirnoff on the front seat and when deputies told Joanne they were going to perform a DUI investigation she responded, “The hell you are.” Joanne declined to take field sobriety tests and told deputies, “You’re not taking me anywhere but home you (expletive) pig, I mean cow. Moooooo.” As you might guess, Joanne was jailed and breath tests showed she was over three times the legal limit.

 

Port Richey, Florida’s 68-year-old Dale Glen Massad had his medical license revoked in 1992. However, when authorities received a tip that he was still practicing medicine inside his home, deputies arrived with a search warrant. Unfortunately, Massad greeted police by firing shots at them. The SWAT team was called in and eventually Massad was arrested and it’s believed he had prescribed himself some drugs. If his name sounds familiar, he’s Port Richey mayor Dale Glen Massad.

 

An unnamed North Carolina man called Lyft for a ride and his driver showed up in a Dodge Charger SRT. Soon, the driver began chatting about the car’s top speed of 182 mph and demonstrated by accelerating to over 120 mph in a 55-mph zone, passing a North Carolina state trooper in the process. The passenger filmed his ride as they outran pursuing police, weaving in and out of traffic as the driver told him, ‘There’s a blue light. I’m going to jail. I’ve got to go.’  Eventually the driver stopped behind a house, killed the lights and told his passenger, ‘You’re going to Charlotte with me.’ However, the passenger demanded to be let out and called police, who were able to track down driver Michael Cranford, Jr., who was arrested and deactivated by Lyft.

 

Melbourne, Australia mother-of-five Tanya Husnu took her kids to Kmart where she bought her four-year-old son a toy lion. Imagine Tanya’s surprise when one of her twins turned the lion around and yelled out, ‘Look mum, the lion’s got a willy!’ The kids all started laughing and Tanya took a closer look to find the lion was anatomically correct. After leaving Kmart, Tanya took her kids to the zoo, where her kids kept lifting up the lion’s tail and showing strangers its bits as they walked past and yelling out ‘willy!’ Tanya said, “It was so embarrassing.” (See here)

 

An unidentified man at a Colorado Avalanche game on Wednesday caught a puck that was lobbed into the stands by Gabriel Landeskog. Unfortunately, as he reached up to catch the flying puck, the guy elbowed his girlfriend in the head. All might’ve been forgiven had he handed the puck to his girlfriend. However, the dufus instead gave the puck to another woman sitting in front of them. The cameras caught the look on the girlfriend’s face and needless to say he wouldn’t be getting a puck from her that night. (See here)

 

Apparently not wanting to be alone on Valentine’s Day, Lehi, Utah’s David Moss used an app to find intimate companionship of the paid variety. Unfortunately for Moss, the woman he contacted turned out to be an undercover cop and when they met up he was arrested on numerous prostitution charges. It would seem surprising that Moss might get caught with his pants down in such a manner since he’s a former police vice squad lieutenant. However, at the time of his arrest, Moss was serving as a bishop for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, although he has since been removed from his position.

 

 

Dumbasses for Thursday, February 21st

Last week, 25-year-old Steven Shrout went to a Dallas dog park wearing only a gold Speedo bathing suit and covered in peanut butter. Shrout then proceeded to allow the dogs to lick him as his girlfriend filmed it. However, it’s not as weird as it sounds. It turns out that Shrout placed last in his 12-person fantasy football league, the penalty for which was to pay $250 or do the dog park stunt. (See here)

 

Last Thursday, East Wareham, Massachusetts’ Eric Bedard was arrested for shoplifting at a local grocery store. Apparently not wanting to go to jail, Bedard attempted to escape from the police cruiser by kicking at the rear door and protective bars. When warned that his actions could result in additional charges, Bedard berated officers by saying they should be more concerned with serious crimes. It turns out the officers do tend to serious crimes. For example, just the night before, they arrested a man for disorderly conduct. That man was also Eric Bedard, who became violent after being given a verbal warning about disturbing the peace at his trailer park.

 

In Wisconsin, Tremper High School cheerleading coach Patti Uttech handed out prizes at the school’s annual awards banquet. Among the honors received by the cheerleaders were the ‘Big Boobie’ and ‘Big Booty’ awards. In her presentation, Patti noted that the winner of the ‘Big Boobie’ prize risked concussion when she ran due to her “enormous boobs”. Patti later wrote an email to the school principal, saying that the girls’ parents “thought it was the funniest thing”. However, at least four people at the ceremony disagreed and complained to the school. The school later asked Patti to resign and send a letter of apology to the girls involved and while she did so, she’s still coaching at the school.

 

One unnamed man is threatening to sue his wife over their honeymoon. The threats come after the bride went on Reddit to describe her shock at discovering her husband’s ‘micropenis.’ The woman said their first intimate encounter was on the wedding night after her husband had previously resisted intimacy by telling her he was an old fashioned guy and wanted to wait. The woman says her husband is considering suing and divorcing her because he’s convinced that his identity will eventually be leaked and he’ll be publicly humiliated. While Redditors were divided on who to side with, many noted that the real red flag was the lack of trust rather than the size.

 

Facebook user Emmy Hurley went viral after she posted the story of her scary encounter with a fake Uber driver. Emmy said that after booking an Uber to pick her up at the Tampa airport on Monday night, she got into the wrong car. After realizing her mistake, Emmy said the driver refused to respond to her requests to stop the car, so she bailed out while it was moving. Emmy wrote that she later found out the female driver is a sex traffic worker and she had narrowly avoided a kidnapping. However, upon further investigation, Tampa police say the woman who picked Emmy up was an Uber driver, but spoke little English. Police also said there’s no evidence that she’s a sex trafficker or that sex traffickers are targeting Uber customers at the airport.

 

A West Virginia woman, identified only as Jill, was recently dining at a restaurant when she began screaming at manager Sergio Budar after overhearing him speaking Spanish to an employee. A video shows Jill screaming, “English is our first language, so you need to speak English.” Jill went on to tell him, “Get the f— out of my country,” and adding, “I got raped by illegal aliens,” while throwing something at him. In case you were wondering, Jill was dining at the Tampico Mexican Restaurant in Parkersburg. (See here)

 

After being kicked out of a Seattle sober living house, Douglas Braden Smyser decided to check into a drug rehab center in Malibu. Smyser’s journey to Malibu helped to explain why he was kicked out of the sober house as before he boarded his flight to Southern California, he ate some meth. The flight was diverted to Portland where Smyser was arrested after he refused to stay in his seat, tried to move to the first-class section, threw his backpack into the aisle, turned on an electric razor and talked about having a gun. Smyser is now facing numerous charges, including federal counts of interference with a flight crew.

 

Zebulon, North Carolina’s Brooks Michael Driver has been charged with assault following a food fight. Police say Driver hit a man with a porcelain watermelon topped with a chicken in December. While the story asks more questions than it answers, it’s noted that the attack resulted in the victim receiving cuts to his face and heavy bruising.

 

Police in Manitowoc, Wisconsin arrested Karl Kinyon on Monday after he drove away from a gas station without paying for the 23rd time. Kinyon was arrested despite telling police he was in a hurry and has a “layaway system” with the station and pays for the gas “eventually.”

 

 

Dumbasses for Wednesday, February 20th

Hamilton Township, Pennsylvania’s Kilee Nicole Cunningham sure plays a mean pinball. After losing money in a bowling alley pinball machine early Sunday morning, Kilee was given a refund. However, this didn’t appease Kilee as she punched the machine and threw a cup of water in an employee’s face when she was told to leave. Police soon caught up with Kilee, who refused an officer’s request for ID, instead yelling obscenities, slurring her words and losing her balance. Kilee was identified by her medical marijuana card, but continued to resist officers, kicking, head-butting and spitting on them. When it was determined that Kilee’s intoxication required medical treatment, she bit an EMT on the forearm and had to be sedated. Kilee’s night of being tilted has resulted in numerous charges.

 

Woodbury, Wisconsin dentist John Michael Haag settled an ongoing dispute over a boathouse by taking gas cans from his home, walking along Bass Lake before and setting fire to the structure. Haag was stunned when, shortly after the fire, he was visited by police who informed him they followed footprints in the snow from the boathouse to his garage. Haag denied setting the fire, even though a deputy noticed two gas cans near the garage with the nozzles open. However, when authorities returned to get information for a warrant, Haag confessed.

 

One unnamed Humble, Texas man provided the entertainment at his daughter’s 16th birthday party on Saturday. Dad did so by spinning a gun on his finger, which caused it to discharge and shoot him in the stomach. Dad was hospitalized, although his condition is unknown.

 

An unnamed German man has lost his gun license and hunting permit. The Munich administrative court ruled that the man isn’t fit to carry a firearm after he was shot in the arm when his dog triggered a loaded rifle that was lying in his car. The court ruled the hunter couldn’t be relied upon because it’s assumed that he’ll handle firearms and ammunition carelessly in the future as well. No word on if the dog’s gun rights were also revoked.

 

Jacksonville Beach, Florida police received several calls about a man walking around with a diamondback rattlesnake wrapped around his neck. Police said the man claimed he found the snake alongside a road and that God told him to save it. Officers told the man to put the snake into the back of the patrol vehicle where wildlife officials retrieved it. They say the man is lucky he wasn’t bitten and perhaps even luckier he wasn’t arrested.

 

Joel Boyers caused a disturbance at a Nashville bar with his generosity. The wait staff competed to serve Boyers as he handed out tips totaling $22,000. The total might’ve been even higher had Boyers’ friends not tipped police to some texts from him about taking drugs that “increased his intelligence” and drinking while carrying a gun. Apparently the bar staff served Boyers well as officers arrived to find him with bloodshot, watery eyes and smelling of alcohol. Boyers admitted to drinking all day and smoking marijuana before turning over his gun and having officers competing to arrest him on charges of possession of a firearm while intoxicated.

 

Valerie Gonzalez was upset when she found that she was seated next to a three-year-old child on her JetBlue flight from Fort Lauderdale to Las Vegas on Valentine’s Day. When a fellow passenger declined to trade seats with her, Valerie hit that person and then switched to another seat without getting approval from the flight crew. The good news for Valerie is that she didn’t have to sit next to the kid. The bad news is that was because she was kicked off the flight. While being escorted off the plane, Valerie spat at fellow passengers, flight crew, and police and tried to return to the jet and hit the gate agent in the head before spending the rest of her Valentine’s Day in jail.

 

 

 

 

Dumbasses

Orlando firefighter Kevin Reynolds was fired last year after he tested positive for drugs. However, Reynolds had a good excuse. Reynolds told investigators he brought a box of coca tea home after hiking Machu Picchu in Peru, where it’s used to fight off altitude sickness. If you’re wondering how that excuse worked out for Reynolds, he got his job back.

 

While conducting a narcotics investigation, Sgt. R.D. Crouch with the Sebastian County Sheriff’s Office stopped at a Fort Smith, Arkansas McDonald’s. Moments later, Sgt. Crouch heard the description of a suspect they were looking named Carl Ashworth. Crouch recalled seeing Ashworth leave the restaurant, which didn’t take great memory skills as his head and face were covered in distinctive tattoos. After a brief foot chase, Crouch apprehended Ashworth, who was found to be in possession of meth and had warrants for his arrest. (See here)

 

Stacie Lynn Choate was arrested after allegedly stabbing a man in downtown Myrtle Beach on Valentine’s Day. Stacie was easy to find as the victim told the police that as she was stabbing him she was wearing a shirt that read “Love.”

 

An unnamed Washington state man wanted to impress a fellow partygoer on Saturday night by removing his pants and showing off his leg tattoo. No word on whether the guest was impressed by the tattoo or anything else that may have been exposed, but another guest was fascinated with the gun that tattoo man removed when showing off his ink. As the unidentified 21-year-old man began playing with the weapon, it went off. Definitely not impressed were a 20-year-old woman and the 1-year-old girl she was holding, who were struck by the bullet. The 21-year-old man was booked for reckless endangerment and deputies noted that ecstasy, alcohol and marijuana were present at the party.

 

Smoking became hazardous to the bank account of Pepperell, Massachusetts’ Bonnie Blanchette. Bonnie was pulled over by police after an officer noticed what appeared to be a suspicious sticker on her vehicle. It turned out to be a do-it-yourself state vehicle inspection sticker Bonnie made from a pack of Camel cigarettes with the numbers “09-19” handwritten in the middle. Police posted a message on the department’s Facebook page stating that while the effort was creative, drivers shouldn’t attempt to make imitation stickers.

 

London police officers and paramedics responded to a report of a body inside the glass doors at the Factory art gallery. Security camera footage shows police breaking through a glass door to investigate the body, which turned out to be a dummy. Kollier Din Bangura said the dummy was part of his solo exhibition about the experiences of refugees in Britain. Din Bangura added, “There were posters on each door showing it was an art exhibition. I just wish they had looked at them and contacted the building’s owner before smashing through the door.”

 

Darij Krajcic was being ignored while in a supermarket in the Slovenian city of Ljubljana. Instead of waiting to be served, Krajcic decided to test the supermarket’s security by walking out with the sandwich he intended to purchase. The theft went unnoticed, but Krajcic later returned to pay and apologized. That might’ve been the end of it had Krajcic not shared the story with his colleagues in parliament last week. The head of the parliament condemned Krajcic’s actions and he later resigned.

 

Wigan, England’s Lee Edwards and Jenna Crozier took in an Amazon delivery for their neighbor in order to prevent a possible theft by porch pirates. Unfortunately for the neighbor, the couple’s Labrador puppy tore open the package and began playing with the bright pink, six-inch sex toy inside. Jenna managed to get the toy away from her puppy and says it was later picked up by their embarrassed neighbor. (See here)

 

Police in Vero Beach, Florida arrested 21-year-old Samantha Jewel Hernandez, who they described as being ‘intoxicated’ and ‘sans clothing.’ Samantha was arrested on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge after getting into a scuffle with her boyfriend and officers observing him to have scratches on his face and neck and a torn shirt. Samantha had felony charges of battery on a police officer added when she spit on a cop while being taken to jail. If you’re wondering what caused the domestic dispute, it seems that Samantha wanted some and her boyfriend spurned her amorous advances.

 

Salt Lake City’s Sal Trejo was approached by a man early Sunday morning, who asked if he was gay. When Sal confirmed that he was, the man hit him. Even though the incident was captured on film, police told Sal there was little chance the man could be found. However, Sal said the man messed with the wrong queers and shared the video online. Police have revised their chances of finding the man in question as detectives have made contact with the suspect and say the matter is under investigation as a possible hate crime. (See here-language)

 

An unnamed 16-year-old in Scotland is on trial for murder. The kid denies the charges, although his lawyer is likely putting in some long hours. Police say a search of the teen’s iPhone found a Google search for “how do police find DNA” and a visit to a website called “collecting DNA evidence”.

 

 

 

 

Dumbasses for Thursday, February 14th

Jason Mackenrodt staged a holdup at the Bangor Savings Bank in Waterville, Maine on Tuesday morning. Jason successfully emerged from the bank with an undetermined amount of money, which he never got to spend. That’s because Jason only made it across the street to a parking lot where he slipped and fell on some ice, causing his gun and the stolen money to fall to the ground. Not only did bystanders scoop up the cash, Jason had the misfortune of falling in front of Special Agent Glen Lang with the Maine State Police, who made the arrest.

 

Convicted Mexican drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman has a fan in Florida’s Brandon Charles Deshon. Unfortunately, Brandon was caught by police while expressing his admiration for El Chapo by painting the words “ELS” and “city” onto a light pole in Orlando. Brandon explained to the officer that the three letters represented a nickname for El Chapo and he was declaring Orlando has his city. Like El Chapo, Brandon found himself behind bars. Upon his arrival at the jail, he repeatedly threatened to hire a “crackhead” to kill the deputy and her family, which added a charge of threatening a law enforcement officer to his previous criminal mischief charges

 

Wichita, Kansas police were called to a Home Depot on Monday afternoon after they received a bomb threat. An employee told officers he was in the restroom when a man came out of a bathroom stall and said, “Somebody told me there’s a bomb in the building.” A store clerk recognized the man and an officer called him on the phone. The man told police that he was in the bathroom when a guy in the stall next to him announced, “You all need to get out of here because I’m fixin to blow it up,” adding that they laughed because, unlike the employee, they understood the warning.

 

The Norwegian Epic left Florida’s Port Canaveral on Saturday and was supposed to stop at Tortola, British Virgin Islands and St Thomas, U.S. Virgin Islands. Unfortunately, those stops never happened. However, the ship did stop in San Juan, Puerto Rico on Tuesday, thanks in part to the two mooring points that it destroyed while coming to a halt. It’s reported that one of the ship’s engines was non-functional before they set sail, and an alarm sounded during the voyage because of a fight between two cruise line employees. Needless to say, passengers weren’t happy with their voyage or Norwegian’s offer of 50 percent off their next cruise to make up for it. (See crash here)

 

On Monday afternoon, William Graham tried to catch a flight from Cleveland to Boston. Unfortunately, the drunken Graham instead went to jail after he became aggressive towards other passengers and staff. The next morning Graham returned to the airport and this time caught a flight to Florida. However, he again appeared to be drunk and, after failing to cooperate with the flight crew, the plane returned to the gate and Graham was arrested for the second time. Instead of jail, Graham was taken to the hospital after complaining of chest pains. Graham returned to the airport that afternoon and became abusive towards the staff and completed the trifecta with his third arrest. Graham later appeared in court where he was fined $100.

 

A Brooklyn UPS driver could find himself delivered to the unemployment line. The driver was making his rounds when he blocked in an ambulance and ignored the blaring sirens as he kept paramedics waiting over 30 seconds before moving his truck out of the way. When a passerby asked the driver how he’d feel if it were one of his family members inside the ambulance, he looked uncomfortable and said if the person posted the video they’d be sued. They did, they weren’t, and UPS says they’re taking appropriate action.

 

You may recall the story of Canada’s Dave Assman, who was recently denied a personalized license plate with his name on it. Assman didn’t get mad, he got even by getting a large decal that looks like a license plate and now proudly drives around with the name Assman displayed on his truck’s tailgate. (See here)

 

A Kunshan, China man, identified only as Zhang, was apparently happily married. In fact, Zhang was so happy being married that he did it three times. Zhang thought he found a loophole in marriage laws by marrying three different women in separate provinces and he set them up in their own apartments. Zhang managed to even start families with all of them by explaining to the others that he was going on business trips. Unfortunately for Zhang, his first wife discovered the arrangement and he was arrested. Apparently the hopeless romantic, Zhang says that whichever of the two wives forgives him, he will be with…when he gets out of prison.

 

Two Mansfield, Massachusetts firefighters were treated at a local hospital for smoke inhalation after battling a blaze. The firefighters may have also been treated for irony as the blaze in question involved their fire engine, which burst into flames inside their firehouse. The cause is under investigation.

 

Two Lithonia, Georgia brothers and their 61 year-old mother were at their home when an argument began. The argument escalated and one brother locked the others inside the home and poured gasoline on the front steps and set it on fire, trapping the two inside. Luckily, the trapped family members made it out of the burning home safely and their firebug brother was arrested. Police noted the firebug was intoxicated and that the family argument started over a box of Cheez-Its.

 

In Alabama, a Fayette County Sheriff’s Office deputy pulled a man over on a routine traffic stop and found the driver to be in possession of illegal drugs. No word on whether the deputy found his thrill when he arrested 19-year-old Blue Berry Hill.

 

Fort Myers, Florida’s Phillip Daley says that he and partner Bernadette Colatarci like having “sexy sexy” and don’t believe what they do is wrong. Normally, such activity between two consenting adults isn’t wrong. However, Phillip and Bernadette are homeless and were enjoying their ‘sexy sexy’ on a sidewalk on Main Street in close proximity to a children’s parade on Sunday. ‘Sexy Sexy’ turned into ‘busty busty’ as Phillip and Bernadette were arrested for lewd and lascivious behavior and, yes, officers say the couple appeared very intoxicated.

 

 

Dumbasses for Wednesday, February 13th

One unnamed Seattle woman has found out that you should never bring a car to a snowball fight. With Seattle receiving record snowfall, good-natured snowball fights have ensued. However, the woman in question wasn’t so good-natured about it when one snowball hit her SUV as she was driving by. A video shows the woman turning around and accelerating toward a group of people, who managed to get out of her way. The woman then stopped her SUV and jumped out, only to be hit by another snowball. The woman then attacked the man who threw the snowball before a group of people pulled her away. Police soon arrived and a sobriety test showed the woman was high on marijuana and she now faces DUI and reckless driving charges.

 

Apparently there’s no end date as to when your parents will stop embarrassing you in front of your classmates. Police at Maryland’s Towson University are seeking a woman that has been wandering the campus and showing a cellphone photo of her son to students, asking if they wanted to go out with him. Police say they’ve received complaints about the woman and while she’s not being charged with a crime, they would like to ask her to find an alternate method of hooking her son up.

 

Merritt Island, Florida’s Matthew Anzaldi was pulled over for speeding on Monday after he was seen driving recklessly at 80 mph and passing cars on the shoulder of U.S. 1. When asked why he was driving in such a manner, Matthew told the deputy he was “thirsty” and wanted a “Pepsi.” Amazingly, the deputy noted that Matthew showed no signs of being impaired, although he also showed no signs of telling the truth and was arrested.

 

When Nottingham, England police attempted to arrest a man at a bar for fighting, Craig Lanes decided to intervene. After police informed Craig he was free to leave, he instead took an aggressive stance with his fists clenched and informed an officer that he would head butt him and drop him where he stood. As you might guess, Craig was the one that was dropped and, after threatening to bite off one of their noses, he was arrested. A court fined Craig around $200, which they informed him would be deducted from his government benefits.

 

Port Richey, Florida’s Peter Elacqua got into an argument with his girlfriend last Friday. Unfortunately, the argument escalated until Peter allegedly shoved his girlfriend into a chair and threw his burrito at her. A deputy arrived to find the woman with burrito ingredients on her face, neck, and left chest and shoulder area. Peter made a run, not necessarily for the border, but was caught earlier this week and rolled into jail.

 

Britain’s Jeff Hayward spent 18 months trying to convince the government that he was unable to work and therefore qualified to collect disability. The good news for Jeff is that he finally won his case. The bad news for Jeff is that he died of a heart attack two weeks before he was due to go to a disability benefit appeal tribunal. Jeff’s family saw the case through and will collect the benefits he was entitled to.

 

An unidentified British man recently called the Thames Valley Police emergency number in Buckinghamshire to report a crime. The man was later referred to as ‘The Village Idiot’ as the crime he reported involved people trying to steal his weed from him. Officers responded to the scene, but by then our friend had apparently thought things through and had left the area.

 

 

 

Dumbasses for Friday, February 8th

One shopper in North Olmsted, Ohio is about to find out how inconvenient it can be to leave your wallet behind in a store. Along with cash, credit cards and such, this shopper’s wallet contained cocaine and meth. It also contained the owner’s driver’s license and the good news and bad news for the shopper is that police will be returning their wallet shortly.

 

Schenectady, New York’s Richard J. Betters Jr. sent out a text message on Tuesday notifying acquaintances in his address book that he had illegal drugs for sale. Betters had at least one taker and a meet up was arranged for the transaction. Unfortunately for Betters, his sale of 20 Oxycodone pills was made to a Rotterdam police detective, who placed him under arrest. Police believe Betters had the detective’s mobile number because of prior dealings the detective had with him.

 

A Saskatoon man recently had his application for personalized license plates turned down. The offensive word he wanted on those plates was his own name. The man’s name is Dave Assman, which he pronounces it “Oss-men.” You may remember back in 1995 David Letterman found a Saskatchewan man by the name of Dick Assman, who he called and had on his show, which sparked what they called in the area ‘Assmania

 

Britain’s 28-year-old Andrew Lochrie was so desperate to pay off his bills that he stole nearly $2,000 worth of lottery scratch-off tickets from the store he worked at. Unfortunately for Andrew, none of the tickets were winners. Even worse for Andrew is that he was caught and, in addition to whatever bills he had before, a court has ordered him to pay the money back to the store and do 200 hours of community service.

 

Australia’s Glen James Polglaise was hauled into court after he failed to file income tax returns for six years, from 2012 to 2017. During his court appearance he stated his name was Glen, of the family Polglaise, and said he was exempt from income taxes “as a human being who waives my right to recognition as a person.” If you’re wondering how that defense worked, Glen was found guilty, fined $6,000, and ordered to file his returns by May 1st.

Dumbasses for Thursday, February 7th

Rochelle Lehr was pulled over by police while driving a rented SUV with Florida license plates along the Indiana Toll Road. When the officer began questioning Rochelle as to whether she was hauling anything illegal, she shook her head and said ‘no’ as the cop rattled off a list of items. However, when the officer asked about illegal drugs, Rochelle froze for a moment before saying ‘no.’ A drug-sniffing dog caught Rochelle lying and when police found four shrink-wrapped packages in the trunk, Rochelle yelled: “What is that? Heroin?” Rochelle guessed correctly and she and her passenger were arrested.

 

McCloud, California’s Dylan Thomas Baldini caught a train early Monday morning. However, it wasn’t a commuter train, but a moving train, and he didn’t leap into an open boxcar, but the train’s backup engine. Fearing for their safety, the train’s crew didn’t approach Baldini as he haphazardly handled the controls, blowing the horn more and attempting to put the train into emergency stop mode. Police soon caught up with the train and arrested Baldini on charges of trespassing, interfering with the safe operation of the train and, yes, public intoxication.

 

Three Oklahoma City teenagers called Uber to take them to Midfirst Bank on Tuesday afternoon. The kids then called Uber again for another ride. In between those calls, the kids attempted an armed robbery of the bank. While the kids did get a ride, it wasn’t in an Uber, but a police car after their robbery attempt was foiled. Uber driver Brandon Case was to have picked up the kids at the bank and after witnessing their arrest said, “If you’re going to do something like that, have your own car.”

 

Police in England were called to the scene of an accident on Tuesday evening. Officers arrived to find a vehicle upside-down in a ditch and they arrested the unnamed 49-year-old driver on DUI charges. The driver was arrested despite his claims that he’d crashed while swerving to avoid an octopus in the road.

 

Callaway, Florida’s William Keifer Bradley Egan got into an argument with his family on Saturday and decided to take a walk to calm down. No word on how calm Egan was as he walked around his neighborhood while wearing a bullet proof vest and randomly firing a Beretta 9mm handgun. Neighbors not so calmly called police and responding deputies were greeted with several shots aimed over their patrol cars. As you might guess, Egan was soon calming down in jail.

 

Custodian Francisco Jaius Lopez-Martinez decided to get his jollies by installing a hidden camera in a girls’ bathroom at Englewood, New Jersey’s Dwight Morrow High School. Francisco wasn’t so jolly when, unbeknownst to him, a female co-worker found the camera and took it to police. Not only did the woman see herself on the video, she saw Francisco installing the camera. After eluding officers for several hours inside the school, Francisco was captured and taken to a hospital for a psychological evaluation and then to jail.

 

Ohio child sex case fugitive Clarence Sheese was captured in Florida on Monday. The Clay County Sheriff’s Office issued a statement saying, “Clarence Sheese, your decision to flee here was a bad one.” They also released a photo of Sheese as he was being arrested while wearing a T-shirt that read: “Father of the Year.” (See here)

 

 

Dumbasses for Wednesday, February 6th

Lincoln, Nebraska police responded to a call about a man swinging an axe at garbage cans and parked vehicles on Saturday night. When officers arrived, they gave the unnamed man a command to drop the axe, but he refused and instead started pounding his chest and told officers to shoot him. Officers obliged and shot him with a Taser and, not surprisingly, later noted that the man showed signs of intoxication.

 

Brooksville, Florida’s Jennifer Brassard recently got into an argument with her boyfriend, which quickly escalated. This led to Jennifer being arrested on misdemeanor domestic battery charges after she gave her boyfriend a chop. However, Jennifer didn’t give her boyfriend a karate chop, but instead hit him with a frozen pork chop, causing a half-inch cut above his eye.

 

Phillip Lee entered a New Orleans Popeye’s restaurant just before noon on Monday and attempted to steal money from the register. Unfortunately for Lee, he couldn’t open the register, so he instead grabbed some fried chicken and fled the scene. No word on whether Lee was able to enjoy his chicken before he was arrested on robbery and battery charges.

 

Adam Gilliam was rescued from Oregon’s Lava Lands Visitor Center on Thursday night after suffering from hypothermia. The rescue might not have been necessary had Gilliam not walked over 10 miles without clothing as temperatures dipped to the low 20s. Gilliam was said to be disoriented and had extensive injuries consistent with walking naked through brush and trees. Not surprisingly, police said drugs may have played a role.

 

One unidentified St. Louis carjacker may want to consider a new line of work. After tapping on a car window Monday night, the carjacker ordered the driver to out of the vehicle and demanded his keys. However, when the intended victim refused to hand over the keys, the carjacker pointed a gun at the man’s feet and pulled the trigger several times. However, the gun wouldn’t fire and the man tossed his keys, prompting them both to scramble for them. In the confusion, the carjacker dropped his cellphone, and the driver picked it up, while the gunman snatched the keys. The standoff ended when they negotiated a keys-for-cellphone trade and the carjacker fled on foot.

 

A University of North Carolina at Greensboro student, identified only as Maddie, says she and her roommate thought their apartment may be haunted after a number of her things went missing. However, Maddie didn’t have to call Ghostbusters. After hearing a noise coming from her closet on Saturday, she opened the door to find 30-year-old Andrew Clyde Swofford wearing her clothing. Swofford then tried on one of her hats, checked himself in the mirror and asked for a hug. Andrew didn’t get a hug, but he did get handcuffs as Maddie called the cops and kept him distracted until they arrived and arrested him.

 

Britain’s Michael Jameson got into a fender bender with another motorist and they pulled over to the side of the road. However, instead of exchanging information, Jameson climbed out of his car window, took off his clothes and began humping his car. At one point, Jameson was sprawled face down across the hood of the car and footage from a policeman’s bodycam also showed him naked while underneath the vehicle. Mr. Jameson was at a loss to explain his behavior in court, but his lawyer said he was under an enormous amount of pressure from work and seemed to have simply lost the plot. Despite Jameson being appalled and grossly embarrassed, he was found guilty of outraging public indecency and dangerous driving.

 

 

Dumbasses for Tuesday, February 5th

You may recall the Super Bowl commercial for Audi where a man’s co-worker performs the Heimlich maneuver on him after he dreams about his grandfather giving him one of their new electric cars called the E-Tron. If you speak French, you may have gotten an unintended chuckle from Audi. If you don’t speak French, E-tron sounds a lot like their word ‘étron,’ which means “excrement” or “turd.” Yes, Audi is literally calling its new vehicle a POS. (See spot here)

 

Utah’s Jeffrey Giles got into an argument with a lady friend on Friday and kicked her out of his car. Before leaving her stranded, Giles informed the woman that he was going off to fight with her family. Apparently that fight never took place as Giles was arrested after he crashed his car into security gates at a nearby Facebook facility. Police say Giles was combative when they arrested him and if you’re curious as to why he might behave in such a manner, officers say he had an odor of alcohol emanating from him. Cops also said his lady friend later told them that he’d been drinking Jagermeister.

 

An unnamed man went into Portland, Oregon’s All That Glitters pawn shop at closing time Sunday night. After admiring the most expensive ring in the store, the man grabbed it, assaulted an employee that tried to stop the theft, and fled. Apparently not thinking his master plan all the way through, our friend showed up at another branch of All That Glitters just 24 hours later and attempted to pawn the ring. When the general manager told the man that the ring looked like the one stolen from their other store, an argument ensued. Our friend tried unsuccessfully to grab the ring back, but fled empty handed.

 

The next family gathering could be a tad awkward for Mumbai, India’s Raphael Samuel. It seems that Raphael is planning to sue his parents for bringing him into this world without his consent. Raphael believes that no human has the right to ‘force life’ on another person and that people shouldn’t have children just for the sake of their pleasure. Raphael says, “I love my parents, and we have a great relationship, but they had me for their joy and their pleasure. My life has been amazing, but I don’t see why I should put another life through the rigamarole of school and finding a career, especially when they didn’t ask to exist.” Raphael asks, “Isn’t forcing a child into this world and forcing it to have a career, kidnapping and slavery?”

 

CBS claims the York, Pennsylvania police recently arrested a couple after their Super 8 Motel rendezvous went south. Dante Hedgepath and Carrie Sue Smith knew each other in high school and recently decided to get a motel room together. Dante left the room after Carrie started ‘acting crazy’ and said they were going to have kids and start a life together. He ran from the hotel as she chased him with no clothes on screaming for him to come back. Officers found Dante in a parking lot with Grey Goose and marijuana. He was quickly arrested before Carrie was charged with indecent exposure and disorderly conduct.

 

Metro UK claims Tabitha Andrade, of Melbourne, Australia, loves KFC chicken so she recently got KFC tattooed on the inside of her bottom lip. The 20 year-old tells the newspaper; ”KFC is my favorite fast food. I go there at least once a week, if not more. ‘It does mean a lot to me, so it seemed fitting to get this tattoo. ‘I really love chicken. All my friends call me the chicken connoisseur. ‘I even named my dog ‘nugget’, because I’m obsessed with chicken nuggets.’ I have absolutely no regrets. It’s my favourite tattoo. ‘I got the idea of doing it on the lip from Kendall Jenner. It seems to be popular these days, so I just thought why not. ‘I showed my parents when I came home, and they thought it was fake. But they’re okay with it now.”

Tabatha hopes KFC will give her free food.

 

Fox News claims Larry Teague recently broke into a Tulsa, Oklahoma courthouse before calling 911 on himself. He told cops he was being chased. When deputies arrived, Larry became aggressive and was tased before being arrested.