Dumbasses for Wednesday, August 21st

An unnamed man was staying at a Madison, Wisconsin hotel on Thursday, when he discovered bed bugs in his room. Had he been staying at a Holiday Inn Express he’d have been smart enough to know that the best way to eliminate bed bugs would not be by burning them with a lit cigarette. Firefighters responded to the hotel blaze and put out the ensuing mattress fire while guests were temporarily evacuated.

 

Life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be for Fort Pierce, Florida’s Danielle Gargano. Earlier this month, Danielle crashed her car into a ditch and was arrested after she was found to be driving on a suspended license. Knowing that the last time Danielle was brought to jail she had three rocks of crack cocaine in her lady parts, she was asked if she had anything illegal on her person. Danielle said she did not, but as the paperwork for a body cavity search was being drawn up, she indicated she had “something” hidden away down there. Deputies say she extracted a half crack pipe with a whitish/yellowish rock located inside it. The rock tested positive for cocaine and her suspended driver’s license suddenly became the least of Danielle’s worries.

 

Long Island’s Valiery Portlock decided to play police officer last Friday when he drove up behind a van and activated the air horn and emergency lights on his Nissan Sentra. It’s not known who might believe that a real police officer would drive around with an air horn and lights on a Nissan Sentra, but it certainly wasn’t the detectives from the Nassau PD that were inside the van. When the detectives got out and identified themselves, Portlock swerved into oncoming traffic and sped away. However, Portlock was soon pulled over by the Nassau County Highway Patrol and arrested.

 

Waterbury, Connecticut’s 88-year-old Daniel Cashman went to his nephew’s place of employment on Monday with a gun and told employees that he planned on shooting him. Cashman began tapping the gun on his hip as he assured everyone that he was only planning to shoot his nephew in the leg and didn’t plan on killing him. Still, employees told Cashman that his nephew wasn’t there and he thanked them for their time and promised he’d return the next day. Cashman broke that promise as he was later arrested and if you’re wondering why he wanted to shoot his nephew, it’s because he claimed that he’d recently stolen some of his belongings and damaged his cuckoo clock.

 

Todd Beavers was jogging through Oakland Park, Florida last month when he spotted a discarded wheelbarrow and decided to help himself. However, another man also had his sights set on the wheelbarrow and the two exchanged words before Beavers jogged away with it. However, the other man ran after Beavers and produced a sword, which he began swinging at him. The men wrestled over the wheelbarrow as Beavers dodged the sword and the swashbuckler left empty-handed when informed a security camera was recording them. Beavers abandoned the wheelbarrow and a woman, who apparently knew the swordsman, dragged it away while hurling insults at Beavers. (See the action here)

 

The mother of Twitter user Ella Martine recently asked her to send photos of her new room. Ella obliged, but soon lived to regret it. It seems that the photo of Ella’s newly decorated room included two pairs of handcuffs hanging from her bedpost. Ella tried to lie her way out of it by saying her roommate was making a film for a class, but mom didn’t buy it. (See post here)

 

Police in Fairfield, Connecticut arrested six people last week after getting reports of “lewd and sexual activity” in the Grace Richardson Open Space area. The five men involved ranged in age from 62 to 82 and their one female guest was 85.

 

Anna Lee Halderman attempted to get an all-over tan on Westport, Connecticut’s Compo Beach by removing her top. Unfortunately, Compo isn’t clothing optional and when a mother and her young child complained, Anna responded by removing the bottom of her bikini as well. Anna was gone by the time police arrived, but when they eventually found her, she said she had no recollection of the incident. That may be because the woman that called police say Anna appeared to be drunk at the time. In any case, Anna was arrested for breach of peace and risk of injury to a minor.

 

An unidentified couple in Ibiza are facing fines after he was caught smoking a cigar while she was twerking. While that sort of thing normally isn’t a crime there, it is frowned upon when you twerk while naked on the back of a Ferrari being driven by a cigar-smoking man. A city council spokesperson said that authorities hope to track down the culprits soon, as ‘there are not many cars like this in Ibiza’. Local media said the couple could be fined up to $500 and the man could be given six penalty points on his driver’s license for reckless driving. (See here)

 

Deputies in Sebring, Florida arrested 74-year-old Gary Van Ryswyk last Sunday after he attempted to perform a castration inside his home. Van Ryswyk told a deputy he’d encountered major issues during the procedure and officers found the patient on a bed, bleeding heavily with a towel over his groin. The victim was flown to a nearby hospital and is said to be stable, although it’s not known if the two body parts found by deputies were reattached to the man. As if the moment couldn’t get any more WTF, Van Ryswyk told deputies he’d met the man on a website for people who have a castration fetish and told the patient he had experience on animals and had even removed one of his own testicles.

 

Dumbasses for Tuesday, August 20th

Pittsburgh’s Brian Martin has been charged with DUI and reckless driving after he allegedly hit a bicyclist and failed to stop. However, witnesses got Martin’s license number, which police used to find him. Martin told officers he’d never left home, but that alibi was kaput when police obtained surveillance video that showed him drinking two shots and eight Miller Lites at a bar. Even worse, his truck’s GPS also placed it at the scene of the crash and it computer showed hard braking, then a pause and reverse, then a sudden acceleration. Martin should’ve known all this was illegal as he’s been placed on unpaid administrative leave from his job as a Pittsburgh police officer.

 

An unnamed motorist was cruising on I-65 in Johnson County, Indiana on Monday when they tossed a dirty diaper out their car window. Karma was instant as the soiled diaper hit an Indiana State Police cruiser and the trooper pulled the putrid polluter over and gave them a ticket for littering.

 

A Newburgh Heights, Ohio man wanted to get rid of some weeds that were growing around his house yesterday afternoon. In addition to the weeds, the man succeeded in ridding himself of his home as it went up in flames and exploded, setting two other houses he owned nearby ablaze.

 

British TV host David Harper paid $20,000 a year for his daughter to attend the prestigious Barnard Castle School. Hetti Harper excelled at music while she was there and went on to a career with her band Tiffany Twisted. Hetti was so grateful to the school that she had its Latin motto tattooed across her chest. While many people were impressed by Hetti’s ink, her dad is not one of them. David says that after all the money he spent on her education, he didn’t expect her to become a free walking billboard for the school. David has now asked the school if they’d like to sponsor Hetti’s music career and reimburse him for some of the tuition he paid and has billed them for $250,000.

 

An unnamed Woodbury, New Jersey man placed a booty call to his side chick, Taija Russell, earlier this month. Unfortunately, before Taija arrived, the man fell asleep and didn’t hear her knock on his door or his phone alerting him of her texts. However, the man eventually woke up to find his home ablaze and had to escape through a window. Police and firefighters immediately recognized signs of arson and arrested Taija on charges including attempted murder and aggravated arson. Taija might’ve avoided arrest had surveillance video not shown her involved in suspicious activity around the house or if she hadn’t sent her boo a text message saying, ‘I see you wanna die.’

 

Britain’s William Bishop has spent the past several weeks in the hospital with pain so unbearable that he’s unable to walk, sit or sleep. Bishop says he was prepping for a date when an unfortunate incident occurred. Apparently anticipating the date to last overnight, Bishop applied hair removal cream to his undercarriage. Unfortunately, he left it on a few minutes too long, but didn’t think much of the stinging sensation. However, it got increasingly worse and two days later he saw it had burned a hole in his crotch. Bishop now says, “It was a little stupid of me, I know, and laughable, I guess.”

 

A Reddit user identified only as idkwhattodo46 recently shared her breakup story in which she said her boyfriend dumped her because she was too good at sex. The woman said she and her boyfriend were both virgins when they decided they were going to be together forever and decided to take things to the next level. However, the woman was apparently so good that her boyfriend couldn’t believe she’d never done it before. The woman tried to convince her boyfriend that she prepared herself by watching porn and practicing on herself, but every time she tried a new move, his suspicions deepened and he eventually dumped her. The woman concluded, “Great. Never thought I’d be dumped for being too good at sex. It just really sucks.”

Dumbasses for Monday, August 19th

Emile Ewell approached two men on Bourbon Street in New Orleans last Wednesday night and asked them for $1. When they told him they didn’t have it, Emile asked for 50 cents. When the men again refused, Emile produced a weapon. Unfortunately for Emile, the best weaponry he could muster was two butter knives. The men then wrestled Emile to the ground and held him for police, who arrested him for attempted armed robbery.

 

Crestview, Florida’s Hunter Mills had the dirt on his girlfriend. Hunter called his girlfriend last Friday, saying he wanted to talk, so she drove to the excavating company where he worked. However, after she refused to answer a question, Hunter allegedly used a front-end loader to dump a load of dirt on the roof of the driver side of the car. Unfortunately, the girlfriend had the window down and the car was filled with dirt. To make matters worse, the girlfriend had borrowed the car from someone else so she could drive there. Police had enough dirt on Hunter to arrest him for criminal mischief.

 

 

Pinellas Park, Florida’s Ty Kelley recently enjoyed a $7 bottle of wine. Unfortunately, Ty tied one on after taking the wine from a Walmart store shelf, stuffing it down his pants, and then adjourning to the ambiance of the store’s bathroom, where he chugged away. Ty then tossed the empty bottle into the trash, but was arrested as he tried to leave the store without paying.

 

Florida deputies were called to an elementary school Wednesday morning on a report of a suspicious person. That person was Katril Crumley, who told someone he had ice cream for a child. When deputies arrived, they noticed the license plates on his pickup weren’t for that truck and he explained that it belonged to his girlfriend’s grandfather and that “he was old and must have put the tag on the wrong vehicle.” Crumley also didn’t have his driver’s license on him and when the deputy went to run his information, Crumley sped away. Crumley soon lost control of his truck and hit a natural gas pipeline, but the chase didn’t end there as he sped away again, hitting a deputy’s patrol car. Eventually, police were able to arrest Crumley on numerous charges, including the explainer, possession of meth.

 

 

About a year ago Loudon, New Hampshire’s Michael Peacan helped a woman break into her home after she locked herself out. Last Wednesday morning, Peacan broke in again. Unfortunately, the woman hadn’t locked herself out this time and she awoke to find him on top of her while wearing a ski mask. The woman managed to fight him off and he ran away. Luckily for police, Peacan left behind his Rite Aid pharmacy card and police paid a visit to his home, where they found the ski mask under his bed. Now unmasked, Peacan has been charged with aggravated felonious sexual assault.

 

Xiara Mercado was speaking Spanish on the phone outside a Starbucks in Hawaii last month when an unidentified woman took it upon herself to tell her, “You speaking another language that does not represent America and that uniform you are wearing, that’s distasteful.” The uniform in question was an Air Force uniform and Mercado was wearing it because she’s a military airman. Mercado wrote on Facebook that she told the woman, “I’m sorry ma’am, the only distasteful thing here is that you are clueless to your discrimination. Please educate yourself. Have a nice day.” The woman also told Mercado, “I don’t know how you are allowed to wear that uniform,” to which she responded, “I wear it proudly.” (See post here)

 

Neal Strassner was going through security at the Greater Rochester International Airport in June when a TSA agent handed him a note. Strassner continued to his gate when the female agent yelled out: “You gonna open the note?” Strassner did and the woman burst out laughing as he read the words, “You ugly!!!” However Strassner would have the last laugh as he later complained to her supervisors, obtained security video through a public records request, and posted it to YouTube. The woman will now have to pass notes to people at the unemployment office. (See clip here)

 

On Saturday, an unnamed 30-year-old British man and his Canadian lover were seen having ‘passionate and public’ sex on the balcony of a vacation home on the French Riviera. However, the couple soon disappeared from view. Unfortunately, they didn’t go inside, but fell 12 feet to the ground below. While the man is said to be fighting for his life in a hospital, the woman was only slightly injured as the man cushioned her fall.

Dumbasses for Friday, August 16th

One unnamed driver in Berlin, Massachusetts was caught on dashcam video veering off a road, crashing into a tree and rolling their car. That likely wouldn’t have happened had the driver not been texting at the time. For Berlin Police Chief Tom Galvin it was a teachable moment as he said, “It just really shows the dangers of distracted driving.” For the driver, it was minor injuries, a crashed car, a citation and the embarrassment of your accident becoming a viral video. (See here)

 

Fort Myers, Florida’s Ariel Michelle Marchan-Le Quire has pleaded no contest to multiple charges after she was found to be illegally possessing more than 40 striped mud turtles, ironically in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles backpack. When deputies asked if there was anything else in the truck she was riding in, Ariel pulled a foot-long alligator from her pants. While the deputy may have spared her from discomfort, Ariel would’ve been spared 24 months of probation and a fine had the driver of the truck not run a stop sign, which led to her arrest.

 

 

Canadian police officers Manuel Pinheiro, Richard Rerrie, Damian Savino and Mihai Muresan have resigned after long and distinguished careers on the force. They’d likely still be on the force if they hadn’t been caught stealing from a drug kingpin following his arrest. The stolen item that cost the officers their careers was a 3-foot tall wooden statue of ‘Scarface’ character Tony Montana, taken from the drug dealer’s storage locker.

 

Vero Beach, Florida’s Jeffrey Mansfield was cited after he was caught on an early morning jog. While jogging is perfectly legal in Vero Beach, one must wear clothing, which Jeffrey neglected to do. Deputies were clued in on Jeffrey’s lack of attire when they noted that he looked to be under the influence of something and he told them he didn’t know why his clothes were off.

 

An unnamed 20-year-old Royal Oak, Michigan man was stopped and questioned by police after receiving a call from a woman that the man had been staring at her. The man explained he was walking to a nearby restaurant to meet his girlfriend and was eventually allowed to go. However, he likely had a lot more explaining to do to his girlfriend about staring at another woman

 

South African Department of Basic Education spokesperson Elijah Mhlanga has apologized for his efforts to promote reading. While most would agree that to be a noble cause, Elijah’s efforts to encourage reading as an activity for “fun and leisure” involved posting images of scantily clad women with books. (See here, here, here)

 

A luckily for her pride unidentified 51-year-old Bangkok woman recently went to a hospital complaining of pain. That pain was in her lady parts and it was caused by a cucumber, which had become lodged in the aforementioned area. The woman explained to hospital staff that she found herself in this predicament after falling down in her house at the exact spot where a cucumber just happened to be and that it slipped inside her. While surprisingly not believing the woman’s story, the hospital staff dislodged the produce and sent her on her way.

 

 

 

Dumbasses for Thursday, August 15th

Rachel Thornburg was caught speeding in Clinton, Iowa on Tuesday morning. However, instead of pulling over for the officer, Rachel took off and the chase was on. At some point during the pursuit, Rachel called the police saying her car had been stolen in an attempt to trick them into thinking she wasn’t the one driving her car. If you’re wondering how that little ploy played out, officers eventually stopped the car and found that Rachel was indeed behind the wheel and she was arrested on numerous charges.

 

Nashville’s John Allen Honaker apparently wasn’t wearing skinny jeans when he went to Walmart recently. Honaker was seen on surveillance video shoving two propane bottles and a sliced beef brisket into his pants. Police arrested Honaker, but on his way to jail he tried kicking out the windows of the police cruiser and slammed his head against the plastic partition. While trying to further restrain Honaker, he allegedly attempted to kick the officer in the head. Honaker explained his behavior to officers by admitting that he’d been drinking, and advising them to “leave his drunk *expletive* *expletive* alone.”

 

Ponca City, Oklahoma’s Justin Hinch has been charged with misdemeanor possession of a firearm while intoxicated. After Justin and a woman returned home from dinner where they were drinking, they got into an argument, which ended when he grabbed a gun and started waving it around. The woman was able to get the gun away from Justin and he later admitted to drinking five long island iced teas and five or six Mike’s Hard Lemonades. To make matters worse, the gun in question was Justin’s service weapon and he lost his job as an officer with the Ponca City Police Department.

 

Tawanna Hilliard worked as a paralegal at the New Jersey U.S. Attorney’s Office for nine years. Unfortunately, her 28-year-old son was on the other side of the law and incarcerated at a New York State prison. In an effort to protect her snowflake, Tawanna used her access to government computers to identify people who were snitching on him and his fellow gang members. Tawanna might have gotten away with it had she not posted a video on YouTube of her gang member son’s co-defendant talking to investigators under the title “NYC Brim Gang Member Snitching Pt. 1.” No word on whether Tawanna will have anyone on the inside working for her as she’s facing charges including witness tampering and obstruction of justice.

 

An unidentified Winfield, Missouri girl sent a text to a friend, inviting her to a baseball game on Friday evening. However, the recipient replied that she had the wrong number. The girl then texted back, insisting they knew each other and reminded them they went to another game with Shari and Diana and they got high together. The recipient finally identified himself as a Winfield police officer, who told the girl, “Pretty sure we didn’t get high together.” The department posted the exchange on their Facebook page with the caption: “We were invited to go to a baseball game tonight!!!! Unfortunately, we don’t think they are gonna come pick us up.” (See here)

 

Daytona Beach, Florida’s Larry Adams was prevented from having a peaceful Sunday evening by several people playing loud music in a car outside his apartment building. When Adams went to have a word with them, an argument ensued and he threatened to shoot them. Adams then pulled out a can of roach spray and sprayed the group and proceeded to threaten them with nun chucks. The group evaded the attack, which is more than can be said for Adams, who struck himself in the forehead. Police arrived to find Adams with a small cut to his forehead and, after finding the weapon and an empty can of roach spray in his home, they placed him under arrest.

 

Li Yue is the wife of former Chongqing, China police chief Tong Xiaohua. Tong might still be the chief had his wife not tried to make an illegal U-turn while driving her red Porsche. When Li found an SUV in her way, she got out of the car, wearing designer clothes and spiked heels, and began berating the other driver for his shabby attire and cheap vehicle. Li then slapped the man and he slapped her back so hard that her hat flew off. Police arrived and Li was fined about $28 for the illegal turn and another $7 for wearing clothes deemed unsafe for driving. Still, her husband might’ve kept his job had a video of the incident not gone viral as well as another in which she brags about her ability to get out of tickets. Not only is her husband out of work, authorities are now reviewing the couple’s assets and bank accounts. (See here)

 

South Carolina’s Richland County Sheriff’s Department recently conducted an underage sex sting called Operation Relentless Guardian. Among those arrested was 34-year-old Derek Vandenham. It seems that Vandenham is well known to the department, not as an offender but as Deputy Derek Vandenham. Vandenham was arrested while on-duty and communicating with who he thought was an underage girl. In addition to facing charges, Vandenham was fired.

Dumbasses for Wednesday, August 14th

Pennsylvania’s Marc Latimore recently received a ride from an unnamed woman and returned the favor by stealing one of her credit cards. Latimore then used the card to purchase several items. Alas, Latimore’s crime spree has resulted in his arrest after he signed the credit card receipts with the word ‘thief.’ Police were able to nab Latimore after they called him on the cell phone he purchased with the stolen credit card and he confirmed his identity.

 

Thieves recently broke into Martin Casas’ St. Louis storage locker and swiped his comic book collection. The crooks then called a local comic book shop to see if they’d be interested in buying the comics and they were told to bring them by. A woman dropped off the comics to be appraised and left her name and phone number with the shop. As fate would have it, the woman took the comics to a comic book shop owned by Martin Casas, who recognized the comics as the ones stolen from him. Casas arranged a meeting to make the purchase, which was also attended by police, who arrested the woman and her boyfriend.

 

White County, Georgia’s Amy York and her ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend, Rebecca Tyler, agreed to meet last Saturday morning after Tyler said some mean things about Amy’s children. However, they didn’t agree to meet to have coffee and discuss it, but instead they agreed to get together and fight over it. During the ensuing melee, Amy said she could feel her eyes burning, but she couldn’t open them because they were stuck together. That was because one of her combatants had poured Super Glue in her eyes. Amy was also hit with a broken bottle that nearly sliced her ear off and needed 15 stitches to repair the damage. Police arrested four people for fighting and Amy later said, “Even though I got arrested, I didn’t shed one tear, I had a smile on my face in the mug shot.”

 

Julian David Murphy approached a state trooper’s vehicle outside the Alabama State Capitol building on Saturday morning and began talking incoherently. However, when a woman passed by, Murphy turned to follow her, but was ordered by the trooper to move along. Instead, Murphy became loud and cursed at the trooper and then dropped his pants with his back to the officer, put his finger where the sun don’t shine, and then came out swinging. That got Murphy a Tasering and an arresting on charges of disorderly conduct and public lewdness.

 

While liquor is allowed at Indiana’s Porter Beach, police there say they rarely have problems with intoxicated beachgoers. However, one of those rare occasions occurred last Saturday when Tatianna Guzman and Kimberly Gavaris and their children paid a visit. Trouble began when their dog kept wandering over to a black family who told them they didn’t want it coming near their children. However, the women kept pestering the family and Kimberly allegedly pulled the man’s hair and hit him on the back and told him, “You can’t tell me what to do.” That was followed by racial slurs, which prompted the family to leave. However, before the women’s tirade was over, half a dozen people were injured and the ladies were arrested on an array of charges. The women added to the charges when they threatened to kill police officers and the representative from Child Protective Services, who placed their children in custody.

 

Unnamed parents in India recently gave their son, identified only as Akash, a brand new BMW. Unfortunately, the car soon ended up in a river. However, it wasn’t an accident as Akash intentionally drove the Beemer into the water. If you’re wondering why he would do this, it was because he was upset that his parents didn’t get him a Jaguar as he’d requested.

 

If you think you have a bad online dating story, you need to compare notes with one unnamed Florida woman. Last Thursday’s date started on a low note when he took her to Denny’s. The date quickly went downhill from there as they left the restaurant and police attempted to pull him over for a minor traffic violation. Instead of pulling over, the man took off and a high speed chase ensued. The chase finally ended with spike strips and the man fleeing on foot. The woman was ordered out of the car with her hands up and was left to tell her story to officers. She also has a story to tell about the one that got away as police say the man is still at large.

 

Greenville, South Carolina’s Jaderric Freeman lost control of his vehicle last Saturday and collided with another car, which sent him barreling into a building. Had Jaderric hit the brake pedal he might’ve avoided ironically crashing into a Brakes 4 Less shop. However, he still probably wouldn’t have avoided his DUI bust.

 

While many businesses are having back-to-school sales, one shop in Katy, Texas, is catching some flak over their sale. The Boyert Shooting Center staff may have been too busy to watch the news lately as they advertised a back-to-school firearms sale offering up to 50% off despite recent mass shootings.

Dumbasses for Tuesday, August 13th

Culver City, California’s Portia Woffard heard strange noises coming from the house across the street on Saturday morning. Upon closer inspection she heard a voice saying, ‘Hi can you bring me water?’ When she asked where the voice was coming from, a man said ‘in the chimney.’ Portia got the man water and started recording the incident on her cellphone as he told her that he was in the chimney because somebody laced his drugs and people were trying to kill him. Firefighters hoisted the man out of the chimney and police hoisted him into jail.

 

It apparently needs to be reiterated to criminal types to obey all traffic laws while involved in illegal activity. Donald Reid Jr. necessitated the reminder after he was pulled over for a routine traffic stop by sheriff’s deputies in DeSoto County, Florida on Saturday. Reid won’t be driving for awhile as deputies found an M67 grenade inside his car. It was one of several items in the cache of weapons that were found and Reid was charged with multiple counts of possession of firearms and ammunition by a convicted felon. (See sheriff’s post here)

 

A fugitive in Oldenburg, Germany was arrested on Monday following a sting operation. When police attempted to arrest the 32-year-old man on an outstanding warrant, he jumped from a balcony. Unfortunately, he landed on a wasps’ nest. The man was attacked by the angry bees, prompting him to run into the street where officers tried to apprehend him. Unfortunately, the cops were also attacked by the wasps and the suspect managed to break free. However, with wasps in hot pursuit, the suspect jumped into an inflatable pool and was arrested.

 

Brianna Ramsey and Bradley Bellmore were arrested after they were found taking a nap on Sunday morning in Monroe, Louisiana. While police there aren’t necessarily cracking down on the drowsy, the couple attracted attention because they were sleeping in their parked car with an infant. Police say all three were covered in sweat and deputies saw a small plastic bag of what containing drugs, along with a set of digital scales and a glass pipe with meth residue. Brianna and Bradley were taken to jail, despite denying the items were theirs.

 

While you may have had some embarrassing incidents in the bathroom, you’d have to go a long way to top one unnamed 35-year-old woman who shared her confession on Reddit. At a party with friends, drinks were served and they eventually talked about sex. When one woman shared about seeking pleasure from a shower massage, a light bulb went off over the woman’s head. When they got home, hubby went to bed and our lady friend decided to take a shower. Unfortunately for the woman, the little trick worked so well, that one of her legs gave way and sent her crashing through the shower door and onto on the toilet. Her husband rushed in to find her planking naked on the toilet and crying from the pain and laughing from the embarrassment. They went to the ER to get her stitched up and she told the doctor that she slipped while cleaning the shower, because most people clean their shower at 1 a.m.

 

An unidentified 25-year-old man celebrated his release from prison in Germany on Friday by picking up several bottles of champagne. Unfortunately, the man’s celebration may be delayed for a few years since he left the store without paying for the bubbly. Police arrested the man with the champagne in his possession and since he had a knife in his pocket he could face armed robbery charges.

 

A Houston woman was flying first class on a United Airlines flight earlier this year when she noticed a blinking blue light hanging inside the lavatory. The woman grabbed the light and gave it to the flight crew and it turned out to be a recording device. The device contained footage that included a man installing it in the plane. While the man’s face wasn’t seen, his distinctive jewelry and clothing identified him as Choon Ping Lee, who works for Halliburton. The company turned over travel records confirming Lee was on that flight and aboard another when a similar incident was reported. Lee was arrested Thursday and faces a misdemeanor charge of video voyeurism.

 

An unnamed Seattle man brought new meaning to the term carpooling yesterday. The man was parked in a handicap space outside an LA Fitness when he hit the gas pedal instead of the emergency brake. The man’s car crashed through a wall and into the club’s swimming pool, where it sank to the bottom. Luckily, none of the people using the pool were hurt and they were able to rescue the driver.

 

Dumbasses for Monday, August 12th

NBC Sports reporter Peter King called in to Dan Patrick’s show on Thursday morning to discuss the latest NFL training camp news. Unfortunately, King did so while driving. This didn’t go unnoticed by one police officer, who pulled King over for the infraction. King hung up on Patrick to deal with the cop, but eventually called back and said he told the officer, ‘I’m on with Dan Patrick,’ and he responded by saying, ‘Here’s your ticket.’

 

An unnamed 16-year-old in Puyallup, Washington placed an order at a McDonald’s drive-thru window on Thursday. As the kid was leaving, he spilled soda and then hit the gas instead of the brakes. The kid then spilled even more as he crashed through the wall and hit the soda dispenser. The kid was treated at the scene for a foot injury and the restaurant was forced to close.

 

An unidentified passenger on a Greyhound bus got naked as they drove through Virginia on Thursday night. The man then struck the front windshield, causing it to crack, and demanded to be let off the bus. The driver dutifully pulled over and let the man off and watched as he ran into oncoming highway traffic where he was struck and killed.

 

 

Casey Sosnowski recently shared a photo of herself right before her hike at Lake Okahumpka Park and Trail in Florida. Casey is seen in the photo with her arms out wide and holding a water bottle with the caption, “Nature is the ultimate healer to all our problems.” However, Casey’s sister, Carly, posted her own picture of the photo shoot that showed Casey posing near some trees in her own back yard. Casey responded to her sister, saying she felt “personally attacked,” before updating her Instagram picture and writing, “Did I go hiking? No. Is this my backyard? Maybe.” (See here)

 

Amanda Braun and her family were recently dining at the Outback Steakhouse in Glen Burnie, Maryland, when the manager approached their table about five minutes after their food arrived and asked how they liked their meals. Unlike their advertising slogan, Amanda and the family then found out Outback did have rules as the manager asked them to finish their food and leave. It turns out the family was 86’d because another customer complained about noise from their 4-year-old son, Killian. Amanda says Killian was born with childhood apraxia of speech, leaving him prone to outbursts. Outback later apologized and offered a $20 credit, although Amanda says they have no intention of dining there again.

Dumbasses for Friday, August 9th

Florida’s 55-year-old Mitchell Helton got upset when furniture delivery men showed up late to his house last Saturday. The men asked if he still wanted the furniture and Helton allegedly told them to “do whatever you want.” The men say Helton then grabbed a gun and pointed it at them and said, “You know, I’ve shot people for less.” The delivery men called police and while officers have arrested people for less, they did bust Helton on charges of aggravated assault.

 

An unnamed 34-year-old Toronto woman pulled into a fast food restaurant drive-thru last weekend, but didn’t order anything. Employees asked the woman to move her car and when she refused they called police. When officers arrived, they noticed she was drunk and asked for her license. However, the woman responded, “I don’t have to if I don’t, like, have to” and denied that she’d been driving. When asked how her vehicle got there, the woman said, “I don’t know, I was just ordering some food.” When pressed, the woman finally said, “I obviously drove, but like I wasn’t ready to drive anywhere further.” The woman got that part right as she was placed under arrest for DUI.

 

Last Christmas, Ohio’s 24-year-old Rebecca Cartellone bought her family one of those home DNA kits so they could trace their history. About two months later the results came in and you can imagine their surprise when they discovered Rebecca didn’t share any of the Cartellone’s DNA. It seems that back in 1994, Joseph and his wife Jennifer underwent in-vitro fertilization to conceive their daughter. Now the family is suing Christ Hospital and a fertility clinic after discovering that Rebecca’s biological father may actually be a doctor at the hospital.

 

Some children at the Sesame Place amusement park in Pennsylvania learned about the letters ‘F’ and ‘U’ during their visit on Tuesday. It seems that a white lady had a problem with a Muslim woman being in her presence and used the old ‘go back to your own country’ line. The Muslim woman began filming, which prompted the other lady to blow a fuse, complete with middle fingers, F-bombs and a physical attack in front of children. While the Muslim woman enjoyed the rest of the day at the park, the other lady was ejected and publicly shamed with the video online. Police say they’re attempting to identify the lady and are urging anyone else who might have video of the incident to come forward. (See here-NSFW)

 

Don Grundmann went before California’s Modesto City Council on Wednesday to seek permission to host a “Straight Pride” event later this month. While a decision has yet to be made, things don’t look too promising for Grundmann. The crowd on hand for the meeting booed him before he even began to speak. However, Grundmann soon turned the booing to laughter and cheers. However, he didn’t exactly charm the crowd. Grundmann prompted the outburst when he told the council that his group was “A totally peaceful, racist group.”

 

Michigan’s Rob and Reyna Mathis had been house hunting for over a month when they thought they found the perfect home in the city of Holton. As they toured the home, they noticed three Confederate flags, which Rob found disturbing and even joked to himself that he was walking through a Ku Klux Klan member’s home. However, all joking was aside when they walked in the bedroom and saw a KKK membership application framed on the wall. Rob says they immediately ended the walk-through and pulled their offer. As it turned out, the home is owned by Muskegon Police Officer Charles Anderson, who could really use money from the sale as he was placed on administrative leave after the story broke. (See Rob’s post here)

 

Dumbasses for Thursday, August 8th

Police in Leland Township, Michigan arrested an unnamed 36-year-old man on Tuesday evening for suspicion of operating a watercraft while intoxicated. And what made police suspicious? An area resident called police to inform them that the man had crashed into their dock and they arrived to find him sleeping on the boat with an open bottle of vodka nearby. Tests revealed the boater had a dangerously high blood alcohol level and he was treated at a hospital before his arrest.

 

Jamie Bisceglia met some fishermen during a fishing derby in Washington’s Tacoma Narrows last Friday and saw her chance to win the derby’s photo contest. The fishermen had hooked an octopus and Jamie was sure that a photo of it on her face would win the contest. What Jamie didn’t anticipate was the octopus grabbing her with its suckers, and then jabbing its beak into her chin and biting her on the face. Jamie also didn’t know octopi have a powerful beak used to break crabs, clams and mussels and their bite contains poisonous venom to immobilize their prey. Jamie says she’s still in pain and was told it could last for months. Jamie says, “Crazy me, hindsight now and looking back, I probably made a big mistake”.

 

Fort Lauderdale, Florida’s 61-year-old Alice Coleman put a bite into crime after waking up early Monday morning to the sound of a fire alarm going off. Unfortunately, when Alice opened the door, Fitzroy Morton pushed his way inside. Alice says Fitzroy kept calling her “mama” and telling her everything would be okay. While it was okay for Alice, the same can’t be said for Fitzroy as she used the few teeth she has left to bite him. Alice then ran out of the apartment as Fitzroy locked himself inside. Alice then called police, who came and arrested Fitzroy.

 

An unidentified man went on Reddit to share how he and his wife are “quite happily married.” Despite that, with his wife out of town on business and him feeling lonely, he downloaded the Tinder app. The man claims he had no intention of actually meeting anyone, but it turns out he did. As he was swiping, he came upon his wife’s profile. While the man noted he met his wife on Tinder, he said they don’t have an open relationship or anything of that nature. The man also noted that he was going to confront her, even though it would mean having to explain why he was on Tinder.