Dumbasses for Wednesday, March 13th

Joseph Adams and Melissa Elizabeth Schimmel went into Tempe, Arizona’s Blasted Barley and started a bar tab. After drinking $89 worth of booze, they couldn’t find anyone to pay. That was mainly due to the bar being closed when they broke in. When police responded to the silent alarm, Adams refused to come out and a police dog was sent in to fetch him. After the police dog bit Adams, the couple was arrested for burglary.


Elysia Johnson went into a Lathrop, California Target store to shop for some clothing and spent an hour inside the fitting room. While that may be a long time to try on clothing, it gave Elysia time to drink the six-pack of Stella Artois she brought in with her before walking out of the store without paying for the items. However, Elysia’s nightcap was in jail after her arrest on shoplifting charges. (See mug shot here)


In Lyons, New York, Jacqueline Lynch’s uncle attempted to kill some bedbugs by spraying the house with alcohol. When that apparently didn’t work, Jacqueline tried to kill the bedbugs with a lighter. While there’s no word on the fate of the bedbugs, Jacqueline did manage to set a mattress on fire and damage several apartments in the process, which has resulted in her facing arson charges.


Last year, the West Virginia Department of Environmental Protection released a proposal to update about 60 water quality standards. Apparently not liking clean drinking water, the West Virginia Manufacturers Association asked that those proposals not be implemented. Their arguments were that because West Virginians are heavier than the national average, their bodies can handle more pollutants, and because they drink less water, they’re less exposed to the pollutants. There’s bad news for thin people in West Virginia as that actually made sense to the West Virginia lawmakers, who sided with industry and passed a bill with a provision easing the water regulations.


After a Slovenian woman recently cut off her hand with a circular saw, her relatives took her to hospital and explained that she’d injured herself while sawing branches. Unfortunately, they left her severed hand behind rather than bring it to hospital. Fortunately, authorities recovered it in time to sew it back on. However, that’s where her luck ended as police determined it wasn’t an accident and that her family helped her with the impromptu operation in an effort to make a fraudulent insurance claim. The reattached hand made it easier to handcuff the woman and her family, who now face up to eight years in prison


Virginia’s Shanna Holwager took her cats to Mr. B’s Market and Deli on Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, she did so in a suitcase. Shanna explained to police that she was taking the cats to the SPCA. The cats appeared fine and were turned over to animal control, which is more than can be said for Shanna, who was taken to jail to sober up. Apparently liking the arrangement, Shanna was again placed in jail to sober up the following night after she was found in the middle of a road waving her arms.


Queens, New York Uber driver Harbir Parmar is looking for a new job. Unfortunately, Parmar won’t be able to start his new gig until he gets out of prison. Parmar’s predicament comes after he pleaded guilty to kidnapping a sleeping passenger and then driving her more than 60 miles from her destination to boost his fare. The woman awoke to find Parmar with his hand under her shirt and a fare of $1,047 and called police, who drove him to jail free of charge.


Two police officers in Paris were playing at drawing their weapons on Sunday. One of the officers was decidedly better at it as they shot their colleague in the head and killed her. The surviving officer was suspended and taken into custody.