Extra Dumbasses

Apparently Permit Patty and Barbecue Becky have a cousin in Virginia now known as Passport Paula. Passport was at Andy’s restaurant in Lovettsville when she overheard a family speaking in Spanish. That was likely because the woman’s family was visiting from Guatemala, although it was quite upsetting to Passport, who confronted the family. Saying she knew everyone in the county that would get them out of there, Paula demanded to see their passports and stated that they were supposed to speak English before dropping the customary go back to your expletive country line. As usual, the incident was caught on video, Passport was asked not to return to the restaurant by the owner, and her employment status is uncertain pending viewing of the video by her employer. (See here)


Sean Sykes Jr. has pleaded guilty to federal gun and drug charges after he was arrested during a traffic stop in Kansas City last month. Officers found a backpack with drugs and guns in the vehicle, but say they had to cut short their interrogation due to Sykes’ excessive flatulence.


In what could be the worst episode of ‘The Walking Dead’ ever, Drew Stephen Hyde was visiting Park City, Utah with his family when he was forced to defend them from five zombies. While Hyde managed to ward off his own personal zombie apocalypse, he wasn’t able to fend off police. Hyde was arrested and is now facing five counts of child abuse as the walkers in question were teenage girls dressed as zombies promoting Odyssey Dance Theatre’s annual production of “Thriller” by scaring pedestrians. The girls say Hyde responded by punching them and shoving them down a stairwell.


Bruce Michael Alexander was on a Southwest Airlines flight from Texas to New Mexico when he lifted the sweater of a sleeping woman seated in front of him and touched her. For some reason, the woman assumed it was an accident until she felt Alexander touch her again. This time the woman confronted Alexander and asked him why he thought it was okay to touch her and demanded he stop. When the flight landed, Alexander was taken into police custody and told officers why he thought it was okay to touch her, saying the president of the United States “says it’s OK to grab women by their private parts.” Despite what the president says, it’s not okay as Alexander has been charged with one federal count of abusive sexual contact.


ITV claims London’s Metropolitan Police recently used ChapStick to bust a high-end car thief. Sheridan Fayomi stole two Mercedes-Benz cars before leaving his ChapStick in one of them. Cops DNA tested the lip balm before Sheridan came up as a match. He was sentenced to five years and six months in jail


The Washington Post claims a brawl recently broke out at a Swedish symphony performance after a woman loudly unwrapped a pack of gum. The man seated next to her grabbed the gum and tossed it to the ground before she slapped him and knocked his glasses off. The concert venue’s Twitter page read; “Everyone thinks it’s great to sit on a hockey or soccer game and drink a beer or coffee and have some snacks. The tempo is high and [so is] the volume, so you do not disturb anyone. However, in a concert hall with world-class acoustics, it is not suitable to bring rustling bags of crisps.”


The Daily Mail claims a 90 year old UK woman is facing jail time for making 420 nuisance calls to the country’s 999 (911) emergency line. Lena Taylor made false calls time and again and often asked dispatchers to send police to her house so they could drive her to bingo. Her attorney claims she needs special care not jail.